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Gloria: Hey Bree, may I come in?
Bree: What's a garden without a snake?

Orson: I won't and you can't make me.
Alma: Can't? That drink I gave you had two kinds of pills in it -- one to put you to sleep and one to keep the part of you I need nice and perky.

Zach: But you said I could kiss you.
Gaby: Yes, my lips, not my esophagus!
Zach: For your information, I've been told I'm a very good kisser, all right?
Gaby: By who? By the same girl who taught you to use your tongue like a winshield wiper?

(to Orson) I am not sleeping in a bed that had your dead mistress' teeth in it!

Bree

Gabrielle: No, absolutely not.
Susan: Oh, come on! Mike needs a great lawyer, Zach can afford a great lawyer.
Gabrielle: I don't care. I'm not going out with Zach Young.
Susan: It's one little date.
Gabrielle: You wouldn't even let your own daughter go out with him. You said he was a psycho.
Susan: He's matured, to the tune of a billion dollars. Please do this, for Mike.
Gabrielle: Susan, do you know what your obsession with Mike has cost you? First you piss off Bree and then Ian, and now you're pimping me out to a teenager.
Susan: Okay, I deserve the pimping remark but let's not pretend that, you know, we're above teenagers.

Alma: We should've kept trying. If we had a child, we'd still be together.
Orson: I know. That's why I stopped trying. Goodbye Alma.

Mike: Hey, Susan.
Susan: Hey, you're back.
Mike: Yeah, Zach Young posted my bail. But I'm guessing you had something to do with it.
Susan: Maybe a little.
Mike: Is there any way I can thank you for everything you've done?
Susan: Actually, yeah, there is.
Mike: Good, good, just tell me.
Susan: I can't see you anymore. I want you to understand it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's just-
Mike: (disheveled) That's okay, ahm, I think I get it. (They see Ian's car pulling up) Well, I must probably go.

Gabrielle: You're pimping me out to a teenager!
Susan: Okay, I deserve the pimping remark but let's not pretend that, you know, we're above teenagers.

Hey... Looks like an interesting book. What's it about? (He grabs the book and throws it aside) Never mind. I'll wait for the movie!

</i> Mike

Susan: Don't you walk away from me!
Edie: Do we have to do this now?
Susan: Yes, we do. You may have gotten your first diaphragm with milk money, but that doesn't give you the right to corrupt my daughter!
Edie: Look, it's not like I went after Julie and said, "Hey, do you wanna go out for a burger and some birth control?" She came to me.
Susan: You do not get to decide this for her! What were you thinking?! (She hits Edie with the pills)
Edie: Aah! I was thinking, if Julie got knocked up, that--that you and I could become family, and I'm sorry, I cannot take that chance.
Susan: Oh, you know what? It wasn't 'till your rotten nephew came to town that Julie was a perfect kid, and now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex! She's just a boob job away from being you!
Edie: Look, Mayer, Julie has discovered sex. The genie is out of the bottle. And you better be good with it, or you could lose her forever. Cause like it or not, she loves him. And you know what else? He loves her.
(They enter Edie's house and see Austin topless making out with a girl on the couch.)
Edie: Ahem!
(Austin and the girl look up in shock. The girl is Danielle.)

(narrating) It's a dangerous world. So we all look for protection, and whether we find it in the arms of our mother, or at the end of a jagged blade, in the kiss of our sweetheart, or at the end of a barrel, we do what we have to to feel safe, because we know that somewhere in the world there are those that will do us harm.

Mary Alice

Susan: (tense) Why were you two talking about condoms?
Julie: Why were you eavesdropping?
Susan: Don't change the subject. Are you two having sex? Because I thought I raised you to be smarter than that. (more tense): Don't you realize that sex is not fun and games? It's dangerous!! Every time you turn around there's a new disease! Do you want it to burn when you pee?
Julie: Mom.
Susan: Sex kills!
Julie: MOM!!!
Susan: WHAT?!!
Julie: I'm not having sex.
Susan: Really?
Julie: Really.
Susan: (Relieved) Oh, thank god.
(They hug)
Susan: If you're not having sex, why were you talking about condoms?

Displaying quotes 133 - 144 of 350 in total

Desperate Housewives Season 3 Quotes

Susan: Mike, you saved our lives. (Mike pulls Susan's cheese out of his back pocket) And our cheese! Ian, can you believe it? Mike saved our cheese!
Ian: Yes, yes, he's quite the hero.
Mike: (smirking) Good thing I was following ya.

I hadn't really thought a lot about this moment, but when I did... the table we were at didn't have a blood gutter.

Susan