Lynette: I must have been crazy, agreeing to this.
Tom: Honey, you're gonna feel differently once you meet Kayla. She is sweet, smart little girl, plus it'll help you get past your resentment of Nora.
Lynette: I don't..Well, here goes.

Bree: Have they rung up your prescription yet?
Rex: No, they're getting it right now.
Bree: Good, add that on.
Rex: You're dying your hair honey wheat blond?
Bree: Oh, it's not for me, it's for Danielle. That hair is going back to the color god intended.
Rex: You actually think she's gonna sit still as you towel this through her hair?
Bree: Oh, I will tie her down if necessary. I'm also thinking of checking her body for piercings while I'm at it.

Dr. Barr: Hey there. I was surprised to hear you wanted a session.
Bree: Well, there's nothing like being tied to a bed to change a girl's mind.
Dr. Barr: What do you wanna talk about?
Bree: Anything at all. As you said, I...I have a lot of issues.
Dr. Barr: Well, I assumed as much when you told the ridiculous story about your daughter running off with a murderer.
Bree: Saw right through that, did ya?
Dr. Barr: Well, I'm a trained professional, Bree. The human mind is my playground.
Bree: Well, I'm glad that you're having fun.

Psychiatrist: I'm sorry. I don't mean to be flip, but you came here because you were troubled, and then you refuse any help we give you.
Bree: Things were falling apart at home, and I just...I just needed a place to rest, that's all.
Psychiatrist: I think there's more to it than that.
Bree: Do you?
Psychiatrist: I think it has to do with your kids. You don't want to talk about them. Why is that?
Bree: Probably because I'm ashamed.

Bree: Excuse me. Do you have the time?
Alfred: Yeah, it's just after 8.
Bree: Oh, I was afraid of that.
Alfred: Afraid of what?
Bree: Well, I'm only supposed to be restrained until 7. You see, I have a problem with sleepwalking. They just tie me up so that I don't wander off and hurt myself.
Alfred: Yeah, well, I'm sure a nurse will be in here soon.

Nora: Hi.
Lynette: Hi. Did you get the check?
Nora: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. Do you have a minute?
Lynette: Tom?!
Nora: I'm not the type of person that can keep things bottled up inside.
Lynette: Really?
Nora: So I'm just gonna have to get this off my chest. You made me feel really bad about myself yesterday at the restaurant.
Lynette: My sincerest apologies.
Nora: You treated me like some sort of mercenary, like the only reason I came here was to extort money from you.
Lynette: Well, to be honest, first, we bought you pie, then you tried to extort money from us.

Lynette: I don't see another way to make this work. We've gotta dip into the pensions.
Tom: Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Lynette: Well, it's that or the kids college fund. We'll write Nora one big check, and in return, she'll sign away her claim for the back child support. If we're lucky, she'll take the bird in the hand.
Tom: Okay, what are we talking about? How much?
Lynette: Well, we need to show her we're serious. $30,000.00?
Tom: Are you kidding? Thirty?
Lynette: If she takes you to court, we'll lose and end up paying 11 years of child support all at once. We could lose the house.

Danielle: See, I told you she wasn't home. Her car's not even here.
Mathew: And you said the safe was upstairs?
Danielle: Damn it, my mother must have changed the combination.
Matthew: Okay. Wait here. I'll be right back.

Susan: I've got everything ready to go-- flowers, candles, Elvis Costello CD all cued up.
Gabrielle: But who has the ring?
Susan:He does.
Gabrielle: So, wait, you're gonna get down on one knee, pop the question, and while you're down there, dig in his pocket?
Lynette: What if you pull out his key chain?
Susan: Then I'm gonna have to find a way to force it on my finger.

Danielle: Mom, please move.
Bree: No. I gave up on your brother, and I'm not gonna make that mistake with you.
Matthew: We don't have time for this.
(Matthew pulls out a gun and points it at Bree.)
Danielle: Where did you get that? What are you doing?!
Matthew: Move away!
Bree: Danielle, I want you to get out of the house now. He's a killer.
Matthew: Shut up!
Danielle: Don't point that at my mother!
Bree: Danielle! I'm serious, go.
Matthew: What's wrong with you?! I'm gonna shoot you!
Danielle: Matthew, stop it!

Mike: You know, I had the feeling when I first saw you in the movie theater that we'd met before.
Orson: I don't think so.
Mike: Oh, I'm pretty sure. I think I know you. Any chance I was one of your guinea pigs?
Orson: No, the only prison work I did was back in Virginia.
Mike: Diploma says you graduated from Minnesota.
Orson: I'm licensed in three states. Open wide, please. Don't talk. I wouldn't want to hurt you.

Bree: My children were my life. They were the reason that I got up in the morning, so to have failed them as a parent...
Psychiatrist: You think you failed them as a parent?
Bree: Well, my son is a sociopath, and my daughter hates me enough to have run away from home. I'm certainly not gonna get "mother of the year" anytime soon.
Psychiatrist: If your kids were here right now, what would you tell them?
Bree: I would beg my son Andrew for forgiveness for having given up on him, and I would tell my daughter not to worry, that I have a plan to protect her.
Psychiatrist: And just what is that plan?

Desperate Housewives Season 2 Quotes

She's good!

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You know we don't talk to him, that's part of his punishment.

Betty