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Zach: Stop! What kind of freak are you? Just leave me alone, all right? You are not my mother! I told you that I am fine. Now stop acting like my mother and go home.
Felicia: I wish it were that easy, Zachary, for your sake, but it's not. Your father's not coming back.
Zach: He said that he was.
Felicia: He lied. I wanted to spare you this, but your father and I discussed it, and he decided that he shouldn't come back. Now, get your bag and let's go home. I'm gonna make you some pudding

Carlos: Gaby, thank God you're doing this. Beating up a second gay guy? It looks bad.
Gabrielle: Yes. Well, Carlos, in some circles, beating people up at all is frowned upon.
Carlos: So why'd you change your mind?
Gabrielle: Well, I'm about to be the mother of your child, which means a lot of responsibility and little time for myself. So if I'm gonna get you out of this mess, you have to reciprocate.
Carlos: Okay.
Gabrielle: When the baby cries in the middle of the night, you're gonna get up without saying one word. Doctors' appointments: you're driving. I'm not putting a car seat in my Maserati. And you will also be on bottle duty. That means washing, sterilizing, and filling. That way I'll have some semblance of a life, and then maybe I won't hate you so much

My name is Mary Alice Young, and before I died, my life was filled with love, laughter, friendship, and, sadly, secrets. The secrets had begun fifteen years earlier when my name was Angela Forrest, and I was living a life of quiet desperation. I'd feel it every morning as I made breakfast for my husband. And during the errands I ran in the afternoons. Even at my work every evening. To me, each day was gray and meaningless. And then one night, suddenly, there was color

Mary Alice

It was five o'clock in the morning on Wisteria Lane when the phone calls started. Of course, each of them knew something was wrong from that first ring. After all, it's one of the unwritten rules of suburbia, don't call the neighbors in the middle of the night unless the news is bad. And so they came with their uncombed hair and their unmade faces. They came because after all these years, they were no longer just neighbors

Mary Alice

Carlos: What about the baby, Gabrielle, huh? What about my baby?
Gabrielle: Oh, your baby?
Carlos: Fine. Our baby. Hey, we're a family now. This baby needs its mother and its father.
Gabrielle: Oh, Carlos. Whoever said you were the father?

Okay, next time I won't bring my daughter to stalk my boyfriend. It was a slight error in judgment

Susan

Gabrielle: You see, your health insurance sent us a letter because someone ordered a year's worth of birth control pills, and apparently our policy doesn't cover drugs bought by the kilo.
Carlos: I told you, it was mama.
Gabrielle: The prescription was dated, Carlos, and Juanita was in a coma when this claim was filed. You did this, not your mother. At least be man enough to own up to it. She would've been

Bree: George, do you have an erection?
George: I'm sorry! You were blowing in my ear!
Bree: You have to get rid of it! There are children present!

Edie Britt's favorite moment of every day was her arrival at the construction site of her new home, because she knew what was about to happen. Her sudden appearance was always sure to generate a few appreciative glances, a few lascivious looks, and some downright ogling. Sadly for Edie, the one man she wanted most to notice her paid her no attention at all. Yes, Edie needed attention to feel good about herself and she was determined to get it. Yes, Edie Britt needed the attention of men to feel good about herself. And even she was amazed at how far she was willing to go to get it

Mary Alice

Cyrus: Ms. Britt, you look extra beautiful today.
Edie: Oh, Cyrus, you're so sweet.
Cyrus: So anyhow, I was wondering if maybe I could, uh, take you out to dinner sometime.
Edie: Oh honey... you are so far out of your league that you are playing a completely different sport

Edie: You said you two were finished. You thought he was a murderer.
Susan: And that was your cue to come over and flirt?! You wasted your time... and your doughnuts.
Edie: Not if you choke on them

John: I should've wore a condom.
Gabrielle: Yeah, that would've helped

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Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.

Andrew
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