I was at Kate Middleton’s wedding and we barely speak anymore.


Nathaniel: I’ve been trying to get an Uber but these idiot drivers keep canceling on me.
Heather: You must have a bad rating.
Nathaniel: The ratings go both ways? Socialists.

Doing baby laundry makes me want to cry.


Here is your burger and cabbage. They call it the No One Wants That.


Heather: I have news.
Rebecca: Is it that you’re getting us a new vibrator? Because the old one is on its last legs.
Heather: You don’t still use my vibrator.
Rebecca: No I don’t.

Rebecca: Have you considered owning a condo?
AJ: No way. I don’t even know what a condo is.

Brendan doesn’t sell drugs anymore which is kind of a bummer because he was my weed guy.


Paula: I used to think she was his OTP.
Scott: Over The Pants?
Paula: One True Pairing

I just can't. I'm with child. I'm with a child, my brother.


Oh right, it's the theater. You can have female directors.


Hello Rebecca. Please, I need to say something very important to you. First, little boy move aside, we don't have any money for your youth club overpriced candy.


I love pretzels, they are a funky treat for teens.


Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Quotes

Rebecca: Where are you from again?
Josh: West Covina, California. 91791!
Rebecca: West Covina, I remember that. That's near the beach, right?
Josh: Yeah, only two hours...well, four in traffic.

Dear God, I don't pray to you because I believe in science. But I don't know what to do. Give me guidance, please. Ah-men. A-men. Amen?

Rebecca Bunch