I was at Kate Middleton’s wedding and we barely speak anymore.

Nathaniel

Nathaniel: I’ve been trying to get an Uber but these idiot drivers keep canceling on me.
Heather: You must have a bad rating.
Nathaniel: The ratings go both ways? Socialists.

Doing baby laundry makes me want to cry.

Darryl

Here is your burger and cabbage. They call it the No One Wants That.

Heather

Heather: I have news.
Rebecca: Is it that you’re getting us a new vibrator? Because the old one is on its last legs.
Heather: You don’t still use my vibrator.
Rebecca: No I don’t.

Rebecca: Have you considered owning a condo?
AJ: No way. I don’t even know what a condo is.

Brendan doesn’t sell drugs anymore which is kind of a bummer because he was my weed guy.

Scott

Paula: I used to think she was his OTP.
Scott: Over The Pants?
Paula: One True Pairing

I just can't. I'm with child. I'm with a child, my brother.

Rebecca

Oh right, it's the theater. You can have female directors.

Rebecca

Hello Rebecca. Please, I need to say something very important to you. First, little boy move aside, we don't have any money for your youth club overpriced candy.

Nathaniel

I love pretzels, they are a funky treat for teens.

Tucker

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Quotes

Rebecca: Where are you from again?
Josh: West Covina, California. 91791!
Rebecca: West Covina, I remember that. That's near the beach, right?
Josh: Yeah, only two hours...well, four in traffic.

Dear God, I don't pray to you because I believe in science. But I don't know what to do. Give me guidance, please. Ah-men. A-men. Amen?

Rebecca Bunch