I've had Arlo for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.


Jake: That looks like my dad. That is my dad! You cannot use his sperm! You cannot use his sperm!
Charles: My son would be your brother!

Jake: We're not going to let anything happen to your...
Charles: Boyle Oil?

He asked for Gina, let's give the people what they want.


Maybe I should have offered free streudel. Maybe then Scully would have come.


Jake: You're gonna be a great dad, with or without your -
Charles: Boyle Oil?
Jake: Nope, not saying it.

Terry: I do not want a repeat of last year when Scully called me fifty times on Christmas morning.
Scully: No, I called you once, my butt called the other forty-nine.

Charles: How are we going to get past them without a gun fight?
Jake: I'll tell you how John McClane would do it, the vents.
Charles: Blast the A/C, they get chilly, they leave to find sweaters.
Jake: No, we're going to climb through them.
Charles: Even better, classic use of vents.

Amy: You guys are doing a polar swim, why didn't you ask me?
Captain Holt: We didn't think you'd be interested.
Rosa: You're always cold, you brought a blanket to a Mets game in mid-July.

Jake: There's more? Charles, this is too much.
Charles: Nonsense, it was just a lot of time and a lot of money.

We don't need guns. I have a lighter, okay, we get some hairspray, make some flame throwers. Let's fry these bitches.


Terry: IT says the internet is down.
Gina: What?! Nooooooooo! I just clicked a link that said "Balloon Boy grew up hot." Now I will never see those pictures!
Rosa: Can't you just use the internet on your phone?
Gina: Bitch you know I'm out of data!

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season 3 Quotes

And now, a message of hope. Everything is garbage. You find something you care about, and it's taken from you. Your colleagues, your dream job, your mango yoghurt. Never love anything. That's the lesson.


Amy: Rule number one, let's not tell anyone so we can figure out what this is first.
Jake: Smart. Rule number two, let's not put labels on it. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, we're just...murmzeep and jinglebin.
Amy: Great. Rule number three, let's not have sex right away.
Jake: (pause) Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool, no doubt no doubt no doubt no doubt. Good rule, no sex, good rule.