Terry: Actually, I wanna record them. Maybe you can teach other precincts how to throw their own versions to boost morale.
Jake: No, I'm not a teacher! I'm a class-clown-slash-bad-boy with a heart of gold.

Charles: It's my time to shine. It's my Greatest Showman moment.
Jake: Charles, you can't.
Charles: You know who else they told you can't? Lettie Lutz, bearded lady. Then Mr. Barnum gave her a stage. Give me my stage, Jacob.
Jake: Wait, so you're the bearded lady?
Charles: No, I'm Barnum, you're Zac Efron and everyone else is one of my freaks!

Holt: Count me in. I could really use this day off to spend some time with my husband.
Rosa: Please, we all have loved ones. You're not getting any sympathy 'cause you're gay.
Jake: Rosa, I don't think he was--
Holt: No I was. She saw right through me.

Charles: Debbie, I was once like you. A bashful beat cop with long, curly hair and no confidence at all.
Debbie: That's impossible. You're so suave.

Amy: You're pretty hurt, huh?
Jake: Yeah! It's exciting. I'm the underdog now, like Seabiscuit. I mean sure I can't lift my arms but Seabiscuit won without even having arms.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Jake: I don't know, I fell. We're already married, it doesn't matter.

I'm sorry I messed things up. I'm just not cut out for this high-stakes world of having friends.

Debbie

Pimento: Where am I? What is that table?
Jake: Calm down, you're at the Nine-Nine and you know what a table is.

We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing. Terry talks about his children too much.

Holt

Terry: You are a good cop, with a great attitude!
Rosa: I don't like this.

Jake: It's a manhunt. And I'm the man-hunter.
Charles: And I'm your sidekick, the boy-hunter.

Holt: I've been stripped of my accomplishments and lost the respect of everyone in my life, including my dog.
Jake: Cheddar? No.
Holt: Yes. Now, he only poops for Kevin.

Jake: Boyle, gather everyone up.
Charles: Oo, we starting a burn book about Holt? Let's drag him baby!

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quotes

Charles: It's my time to shine. It's my Greatest Showman moment.
Jake: Charles, you can't.
Charles: You know who else they told you can't? Lettie Lutz, bearded lady. Then Mr. Barnum gave her a stage. Give me my stage, Jacob.
Jake: Wait, so you're the bearded lady?
Charles: No, I'm Barnum, you're Zac Efron and everyone else is one of my freaks!

Amy: Rule number one, let's not tell anyone so we can figure out what this is first.
Jake: Smart. Rule number two, let's not put labels on it. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, we're just...murmzeep and jinglebin.
Amy: Great. Rule number three, let's not have sex right away.
Jake: (pause) Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool, no doubt no doubt no doubt no doubt. Good rule, no sex, good rule.