Veronica: I know what you're going through. When my little sister came along, I was very jealous. That feeling never went away--even when she so she was older and I put testosterone in her orange juice, so she became became hairy and unlovable and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.
Ted: Oh, my God!
Veronica: I was not a perfect child, Ted. My parents only had so much love, and I got it, and Monkey Girl didn't. Anyway, don't be like that.

Stella: What will people do without a helmet that feeds them cheeseburgers or a remote control for their underpants?
Lem: We're not making a cheeseburger helmet. They pulled the plug after it fed one of the test subjects to death.

Lem: Mommy?
Stella: Hello, sweetheart. How was your day at the crap factory?
Lem: You know, sometimes I feel that you judge what I do.

Ted: I'm saying, can't we just let this one go? It wouldn't be the first time we didn't hire a brilliant scientist because someone at the company would be upset. Remember Bob Hitler?
Veronica: No, I forgot the scientist named Hitler. Okay, fine, we won't go after Lem's mom. But this would be easier to sell upstairs if someone named Clifton had bombed the hell out of London.

Ted: And I can't get enough of the company's love.
Linda: Maybe you and the company should spend a weekend in wine country together, share a couple of bottles one evening, maybe convince it not to wear panties to dinner. [walks away]
Veronica: You should jump on that, Ted, before the crazy outweighs the hot.

Gentlemen, when you fight like that, manhood weeps.

Ted

The potential for a long-lasting light bulb is enormous. In a recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third, right after hitting things and trying to have sex with things.

Ted
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