The CW Quotes
Cheryl: As the one true Blossom heir, I feel it is my sacred duty to say a few words. The Blossoms have been bathing in blood since Great Grandpapi killed his brother. The original sinner of Riverdale. Well, I stand here before you today to say: No more. No more blood. No more madness. No more horror.
Alice: I knew it!
Hal: Alice, what the hell are you doing here?
Alice: Accusing you publically! You only wanted a divorce so that you could cheat me out of your big fancy Blossom payday.
Hal: It’s not just my payday, the girls share Blossom blood too.
Alice: My attorney is going to rip you apart! Isn’t that right, attorney McCoy?!
[Alice cuts off Sierra McCoy]
Alice: I will be taking half of whatever blood money you get from this inbred sesspool of a family. Yeah, that’s right, I said inbred.
[The crowd whispers]
Penelope: Would you please just leave?
Alice: Shut your face, you half-melted ten cent Trollope.
Toni: This is riveting.
Cheryl: I can’t breathe.
Chic: What is this?
Betty: When you wouldn’t submit to the DNA test, I found some of your dental floss and sent it to the lab. Those are the results.
[He stares at the folder]
Betty: You’re not who you say you are, Chic. So, who are you?
Claudius: The Lodges. How often I’ve dreamt of getting my revenge on them...
Penelope: Now, now, Claudius. First things first: Nana, then Cheryl.
Claudius: Of course, Penelope. Our house must be put in order.
[Cheryl overhears behind a wall]
Midge: So, Kevin, who are you meeting at the movie? Some dreamboat?
Kevin: Oh, no, I don’t have a date. I’m just going to this gay rom-com alone.
Midge: What? No, no, that’s crazy! We need to find you someone. What about one of those new Southside guys? I hear one of them is gay.
Kevin: If it’s Fangs Fogarty, I don’t think I can date someone named “Fangs.”
Moose: I don’t know, he’s a good-looking dude.
Midge: Oh my God, please, what do you know you big lug?
[She playful shoves him]
Josie: Thank you, Mom and Sheriff Keller for coming to meet me and Kevin.
Kevin: We promise you this isn’t a trap.
Josie: It’s that, Kevin and I were talking after the movie and we thought...
Kevin: This conversation is bigger than two people. It’s bigger than the people in this booth, even.
Josie: And it’s probably going to be a long one. So, we should get started.
[Josie and Sierra hold hands]
Penelope: You have no right to judge me! Not when you drove the one decent chance I had at a better life.
Cheryl: You mean with Hal Cooper? If that’s your idea of love...
[Penelope grabs Cheryl by the arm as Cheryl walks away]
Penelope: What would you know about it? You’ve never known love, Cheryl, except to rip it apart. Cause you are a jealous, spite-filled, starving, emotional anorexic. Have a nice day at school, dear.
[Penelope walks away]
Cheryl: How’s the lake house? Are you all settled in and spooning yet?
Jughead: Who is this?
Cheryl: It’s Cheryl, you welfare baby.
Jughead: Is something wrong?
Cheryl: Not yet. I just wanna make sure you know that Archie and Betty kissed in front of my house right before Christmas and it seemed plenty serious, like with tongue serious. That’s all! Enjoy your couples-only weekend, kisses to all. Bye now!
[He hangs up the phone]
Archie: Mrs. Lodge, I...would never ever do anything to betray your family. I swear.
Hermione: So you’ve proven to me these last few weeks. Hiram and I, unbeknownst to our daughter, enlisted one of our closest associates to approach you, say he was an FBI agent investigating Hiram. Agent Adams isn’t real. He works for me. One of my capos. I asked him to apply a lot of pressure to you, threaten your father even. See if you would crack.
Archie: Wait, this whole thing, it was all some kind of test?
Hermione: Yes, it was...and you passed. Welcome to the family, Archie.
Cheryl: Back so soon, Mr. Cooper?
Hal: Cheryl, what are you doing there sitting in the dark?
Cheryl: Do you know my mother is a harlot, don’t you? A modern day ‘Mofflanders’?
[She gets up from her chair]
Cheryl: What you’re doing could destroy your family. That’s why I’m not going to tell Betty, but I suggest you hurry home to your wife and daughter before I change my mind.
FP: It’s done.
Jughead: Jeez, Dad, you reek.
FP: It’s sodium-hydroxide. In a week there will be nothing left...nothing but his teeth.
[He grabs Alice’s hand]
Alice: Thank you, FP. I’m sorry for involving Betty, and that she pulled Jughead into this.
FP: We take care of our own. The circle ends here. No more loose ends.
Betty: You lied to us! That shady guy wasn’t one of your customers, he was a drug dealer. It’s all in here, hundreds of messages from junkies looking for a fix, including one from Chic the night of.
[She shows the phone]
Alice: Betty, why in God’s name would you go back there?
Betty: To make sure in broad daylight that no one could see him from the trail.
Alice: Okay, give that back to me before someone tracks that back to the house.
Betty: No, Mom, I already turned off the GPS and you’re missing the whole point here. Chic lied to us about the shady guy. What else is he lying about, huh?
[Chic stars crying]
Betty: Excuse me? Are you kidding me?! NO ONE is buying the waterworks!
Alice: That’s enough, Elizabeth.