Lynette: This would be a really good place for you to jump in and tell me I'm not a castrating bitch
Tom: Sure! Just put down the knife first.

Tom: So, I still don't get why you fired Roy. I mean, he was putting the bird house where you wanted it, right?
Lynette: It's not about that. He said I emasculate you.
Tom: He said that?
Lynette: Well, not in those words. He went with a more colorful nutcracking analogy.
Tom: He is funny.

Lynette: (holding a worldmap) There you go, Gaby. It's kinda old. It's from before the Soviet Union broke up.
Gabrielle: The Soviet Union broke up?
Tom: You sure you know what you're doing with this homeschooling thing?
Gabrielle: Oh, honey, Juanita's in first grade. She'll believe what I tell her.

Tom: Remember last time you were pregnant with twins? Every part of you swelled up. It was like sleeping next to a body they dragged out of the river.
Lynette: You said I was beautiful.
Tom: I had to. You were twice my size.

Tom: What's that smell?
Lynette: Despair.
Tom: Oh. I thought it was waffles.

Tom: Lynette, the kids are getting older and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us and, then...
Lynette: We're screwed.
Tom: Exactly

Lynette: Tom, am I a bad person?
Tom: No, why would you say that?
Lynette: I don't know. I guess I just have it in my head that only bad people break up marriages and offend the handicapped.
Tom: Well, I did try to warn you.
Lynette: You did. Why do I do it? This compulsion to stick my nose where it doesn't belong. I mean...
Tom: You were just looking out for your friend.
Lynette: Yeah, a lot of good it did her.
Tom: At least you tried. I admire you for that.
Lynette: Oh, please.
Tom: Hey, I'm the guy who let Dennis badmouth his wife because I was afraid of making a scene. But you, you knew it was wrong and you let him have it.
Lynette: That's me. Never afraid to create a scene.
Tom: My point is you have a strong sense of what is right and you are not afraid to act on it and I admire you for that.
Lynette: You know what I admire you for? You find a way to compliment me when you could say "I told you so". (leans over and kisses Tom. Tom signs something to her) You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?
Tom: You'll never prove it

Lynette: So here's the thing. I feel really awful about how I acted before.
Tom: For god's sake, you threw me out of my own house.
Lynette: I overreacted, I'm sorry

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