(to Lynette) Hey, honey - good news! I checked on Penny and she didn't scream. I think she's getting used to the mask.

Lynette: It's not the Ebola virus, it's chicken pox! You are being a baby!
Tom: Yes, I am, and if you think I'm being a baby now, do I need to remind you what I'm like when I'm sick? Remember that time I had strep throat? We wound up in marriage counselling.
Lynette: I'll call the office.
Tom: Thanks, honey.

Lynette: So, you're saying if I died, you would want a second wife, and a family?
Tom: Maybe...
Lynette: I can't believe you've actually thought about this!
Tom: Haven't you?
Lynette: Thought about who'd I'm marry if you died? Hmm.... NO!
Tom: It's a backup plan, I'm not going to use it!

Tom: I'm serious, Lynette. I don't make the money around here anymore. I don't provide for you and the kids. And I wasn't gonna let them snip out the last thing that makes me a man. (referring to a vasectomy)
Lynette: Staying home and taking care of the kids doesn't make you less of a man. That's crazy.
Tom: You expect me to calm your irrational fears. I expect you to calm mine.
Lynette: You're you saying you're unhappy?
Tom: A little bit, yeah.
Lynette: Well, what we gonna do about that?
Tom: I don't know.
Lynette: Well, can't we just---?
Tom: No, Lynette. I don't know.

Lynette: Are you drunk?
Tom: I'm a hot guy living in a neighborhood of lonely ladies!

(Lynette comes home from the supermarket suspiscious of Tom and Gabrielle)
Tom: Did you get the bread?
Lynette: They were out.
Tom: Of bread?

Lynette, I can keep my children alive. When you left this morning, there were four. When you came home, there were still four. When you come home and there are only three, then you get to lecture me.

Tom: What have you done to Mrs. Mulburry?
Lynette: Until there's a body, there's no evidence of a crime.

Lynette: Tom, he attacked a teacher with an umbrella!
Tom: It was a poke, he poked her.

Parker: Daddy! I can't find Mrs. Mulburry's umbrella! Where is it?
Tom: Well, I don't know, sport. Honey, have you seen the umbrella?
Lynette: No.. can't say that I have...
Tom: OK, listen, don't worry about it. I'm sure Mrs. Mulburry's here somewhere.
Lynette: Or... huh...Maybe she's not. She could have... left. You know... maybe she had some other little boy she needed to help.
Parker: Like who?
Lynette: I don't know. It could be.... huh.. a little boy in... England. Named Spencer.
Tom: Lynette...?
Lynette: I mean... it is possible that someone like little Spencer needed Mrs. Mulburry more, 'cause... he doesn't have a daddy and a mommy, who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's an orphan!... with no hands!

Tom: Hey, what's wrong?
Lynette: (Crying) Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world.
Tom: Honey, he is gonna get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day, when he is all grown up, you and Parker are gonna laugh hysterically about this.
Lynette: You really think so? Really?
Tom: I promise.

Lynette: And, the rat, you took it outside?
Tom: Oh no, I smashed it with a shovel.
Lynette: You killed it?
Tom: Not with the first hit.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

Preston: We don't want to get spanked.
Porter: Yeah, we promise we'll be good.
Lynette: Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse, you made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic... Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a cliche, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance; moves faster.
Scavo kids: No! No! No! No!
Lynette: Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless...
Porter: Unless what?
Lynette: For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide.
Scavo kids: Okay! Yeh! We swear! Yeh! We swear!
Lynette: Alright, start with Dear Mrs. McCluskey.
Porter: Mommy, why are you smiling?
Lynette: Do you know what physiological warfare means?
Porter: No.
Lynette: Well, too bad for you