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(The boys have gathered at Tom's restraurant when Ian walks in)
Mike: Hey, Ian.
Ian: Nice to see you Mike.
(Mike rolls his eyes at the other guys)
Carlos: What is fish'n'chips doing here?
Tom: Susan asked me to include him, she said he always wanted to learn how to play poker so we're gonna give him some very expensive lessons.
Mike: Be careful, he already knows how to bluff.

Beer is on the house, guys. Drink fast, get stupid and lose money.

Mike: Was that proposal spontaneous or did you have it all planned?
Ian: Oh, it was entirely planned. I thought it would be the ideal occasion.
Mike: If it was planned why didn't you have a ring?
Ian: Well, I thought Susan might like to choose a ring herself.
Mike: So, why did she pick a ring that was too big for her?
Ian: How did you know that?
Tom: Guys, guys, guys, we came here to play cards, so why are we talking about jewelery?
Mike: Sorry Tom, but I just found out I bought a ring for Susan myself. It was in my pocket that night some son of a bitch ran me over.
Orson: Ahm, Tom's right, we should focus on the game.
Mike: After our talk I called the hospital. They said my ring got in with your wife's stuff. So you saw it before I did. The same day you proposed to Susan.
Ian: And your point is?
Mike: That that's why you were in such a big hurry. You wanted to seal the deal before I found out about the ring and told her.
Ian: Do you think I'm afraid of you?
Mike: Maybe you should be. What do you think Susan would say if she found out your proposal was so spontaneous?

Lynette: Okay, okay, we could point fingers, but what's important is forgetting about what we expected, and focusing on what we have, which isn't so bad. I mean, all the different kinds of chairs give the place a kind of bohemian vibe. Plus, if we get a lot of babies, look, we're just totally set. Tom, I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry. I just, I realize it's not perfect. But...please say something.
Tom: What can I say, Lynette? It is what it is.

Thank you. Thank you for coming. It means everything in the world to me. I gotta tell you, when I arrived here this afternoon, I saw all these weird chairs, I thought the evening was gonna be a total disaster. But now when I look out, I can't even see the chairs. I just see people eating, laughing and having a great time. It's absolutely perfect. And none of this would've happened without my amazing partner Lynette. Who, uh...To...I'm sorry. I'm a little...

Lynette: You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant.
Tom: Excuse me, you were hitting people.
Lynette: Only two, and the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again.

Tom: So wait, we're not having sex?
Lynette: Hey, you banned me from your opening!

Tom: She threw your doll in the trash?
Lynette: No, first she ripped off its arms, stuffed it with chili, then she threw it in the trash!

Tom: I don't want you to be afraid to take a firm hand with Kayla. She is part of our family now and.. you know what that means.
Lynette: Yeah! I should treat her as badly as I treat my own children.

Lynette: I am snapping because there is a monster across the street and Barney Fife here is making me sound like 'the bad guy'.
(Lynette leaves the police office while Tom stays with the officer.)
Tom: Look I'm sorry. She's been under a lot of stress, hasn't slept well...
Lynette: (from outside the office) You better not be apologizing for me!

Tom: (to his children) And we'll all see Auntie Nora again in heaven.
Lynette: Or wherever.

(Lynette offers to go for custody of Kayla.)
Tom: I never thought you'd want a fifth kid.
Lynette: I don't, and I didn't want the first four, but they're starting to grow on me.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 71 in total

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

(narrating) Family. There is nothing more important. They're the ones who show up when we are in trouble. The ones who push us to succeed. The ones who help keep our secrets. But what of those who have no family to rely on? What happens to those poor souls who have no loved ones to help them in their hour of need? Well, most learn to walk life's road by themselves. But a sad few of us, simply stop trying.

Mary Alice
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