Tom: (sweating) I need another pill and please tell the kids to turn down the TV.
Mrs. McCluskey: I yell, they turn it down. I walk away, they turn it up. Vicious circle.
Tom: Surely you can control five little kids.
Mrs. McCluskey: Can I beat them?
Tom: No!
Mrs. McCluskey: Then my hands are tied.

Tom: What about my sex? I always get sex on our anniversary.
Lynette: We can still have sex, just try not to wake me.

Beer is on the house, guys. Drink fast, get stupid and lose money.

Tom: Hey, you've got a cousin in the limo business, don't you?
Carlos: Actually, I've got a cousin in the limo as a front for prostitution business.

(The boys have gathered at Tom's restraurant when Ian walks in)
Mike: Hey, Ian.
Ian: Nice to see you Mike.
(Mike rolls his eyes at the other guys)
Carlos: What is fish'n'chips doing here?
Tom: Susan asked me to include him, she said he always wanted to learn how to play poker so we're gonna give him some very expensive lessons.
Mike: Be careful, he already knows how to bluff.

Mike: Was that proposal spontaneous or did you have it all planned?
Ian: Oh, it was entirely planned. I thought it would be the ideal occasion.
Mike: If it was planned why didn't you have a ring?
Ian: Well, I thought Susan might like to choose a ring herself.
Mike: So, why did she pick a ring that was too big for her?
Ian: How did you know that?
Tom: Guys, guys, guys, we came here to play cards, so why are we talking about jewelery?
Mike: Sorry Tom, but I just found out I bought a ring for Susan myself. It was in my pocket that night some son of a bitch ran me over.
Orson: Ahm, Tom's right, we should focus on the game.
Mike: After our talk I called the hospital. They said my ring got in with your wife's stuff. So you saw it before I did. The same day you proposed to Susan.
Ian: And your point is?
Mike: That that's why you were in such a big hurry. You wanted to seal the deal before I found out about the ring and told her.
Ian: Do you think I'm afraid of you?
Mike: Maybe you should be. What do you think Susan would say if she found out your proposal was so spontaneous?

Thank you. Thank you for coming. It means everything in the world to me. I gotta tell you, when I arrived here this afternoon, I saw all these weird chairs, I thought the evening was gonna be a total disaster. But now when I look out, I can't even see the chairs. I just see people eating, laughing and having a great time. It's absolutely perfect. And none of this would've happened without my amazing partner Lynette. Who, uh...To...I'm sorry. I'm a little...

Lynette: Okay, okay, we could point fingers, but what's important is forgetting about what we expected, and focusing on what we have, which isn't so bad. I mean, all the different kinds of chairs give the place a kind of bohemian vibe. Plus, if we get a lot of babies, look, we're just totally set. Tom, I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry. I just, I realize it's not perfect. But...please say something.
Tom: What can I say, Lynette? It is what it is.

Lynette: You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant.
Tom: Excuse me, you were hitting people.
Lynette: Only two, and the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again.

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