Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Ted: Why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?
Marshall: Men! It's like if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?
Lily: MmHm.

Ted: Victoria is happy we're taking things slow.
Marshall: Oh oh honey sweetie baby. No thirty-two year old woman is happy taking things slow. Trust me, Victoria has got friends from high school posting pictures of second babies on Facebook and you think girlfriend's all like, oh lets just bone a bunch so I'm another year older and still single? Bitch please!

Barney: If Ted raises him the poor kids still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. I'm the obvious choice.
Robin: Hey look, as the only one here packin a vag I got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that plus I could teach him how to bow hunt.

Ted: Cleveland sports are still relative. Lebron who? Right guys?
Barney: Ted neither Cleveland or you knows how to get over someone leaving them.

Ted: If called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.
Robin: If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Teds your guy. If you want him pulling the cord on some other nerds panties, I'm your guy.

Red: Victoria keeps tampons at my apartment.
Robin: Damn it!

Kids, when you're in a new relationship and you're competing with your ex for who's happier, it can get ugly.

When you leave someone at the altar you always leave a note!

Robin: If I stole a scalpel and I cut you open, all I would find is this scared trembling pile of crap.
Ted: See I've missed these talks.

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