How I Met Your Mother

Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How i met your mother
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Lily! I'm eating chili. I'm eating chili Lily!

Eight years ago I made an ass of myself chasing after you and I made an ass of myself chasing after you a bunch of times since then. I have no regrets because it led me to something I wouldn't trade for the world, it led to you being my friend. So as your friend and a leading expert in the field of making an ass of yourself. I say to you, from the heart, get the hell out of this car.

Ted: I need to grow up. Oh by the way I'm breaking a jinx swear here so don't tell Barney or he gets to whack me in the nuts three times with a whiffle ball bat.
Marshall: Sure, pretty standard.

This is gonna be a long jinx. Like Yom Kippur services long. The only difference is Yom Kippur's a fast and this one's gonna be a slow.

Ted: Barney, or should I say Borrowney?
Marshall: You should never say that.

Ted: Hugh Hefner, in you lobby, right now!
Barney: I'm gonna grab my robe!

Robin: I love Patrice, we're like sisters.
Ted: You've never gotten through even one exchange without screaming at her.
Robin: Sisters fight Ted!

I'm sorry, when I'm excited I abbreviate words I shouldn't.

Things have been weird lately. Is there another architect? Just tell me.

Ted: Why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?
Marshall: Men! It's like if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?
Lily: MmHm.

Ted: Victoria is happy we're taking things slow.
Marshall: Oh oh honey sweetie baby. No thirty-two year old woman is happy taking things slow. Trust me, Victoria has got friends from high school posting pictures of second babies on Facebook and you think girlfriend's all like, oh lets just bone a bunch so I'm another year older and still single? Bitch please!

Barney: If Ted raises him the poor kids still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. I'm the obvious choice.
Robin: Hey look, as the only one here packin a vag I got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that plus I could teach him how to bow hunt.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 477 in total

HIMYM Quotes

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Barney