Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS

Oh my God, you have a monocle! Is this real? Is this really happening? Good luck killing James Bond.

Ted: If I wanted to make it personal, I'd call you a bored little trophy wife who likes to play activist when the shops on Fifth Ave are closed.
Zoey: You're going down.
Ted: Down where? To the yacht club? I'd love to, but wait I'm half Jewish, is that going to be a problem?

Ted: Lily you're a psychopath.
Lily: Lil' bit... ohh a Panda.

Hey hey hey hey, spiders got to die, so trees can grow.

Robin: Of all the women in New York, you had to go out with an eight year old girl.
Ted: Not what it sounds like, folks.

Barney: And stop shouting, you're scaring Cottontail.
Ted: You named the rabbit?
Barney: You took longer to get here than I thought, we bonded and I'm keeping her.

Barney: And for the love of god, boobs?
Ted: Solid C Cup perky bounce
Barney: Momentary grudging respect.

Ted: What's your newest scotch?
Wendy: Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch? Don't let it touch your skin.

Barney says he tripped but I could have sworn he tackled me on purpose.

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