Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS

Barney: We're gonna get out bro a four star nad rattler. You search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants and diving boards. And I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding props.
Ted: What about animals?
Barney: Uh claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey's fists, we can do this!

Marshall: I'll give my dad a call after Dr. Stengal gives me the thumbs up.
Ted: Ew! He has to do that?

No! Unacceptable! You are going to turn around, you're going to go home, get naked, lay together as man and wife, until Lily is great with child!

When your friends have great news you're happy for them for like a millisecond and then you start thinking about yourself.

Ted: Robin have you forgotten your new year's resolution?
Robin: I am never going to drink again...
Ted: No before that.
Robin: I am going to finish this entire bottle tonight.
Ted: No before that.

Robin, you need to check yourself before you Trebek yourself.

Hey I've been giving this some serious thought and I think I know how we can crush these floral arrangements.

Ted: Who canceled, your coven?
Steve: Coven, group of witches, boom!

You look gross when you cry. You know that?

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