Barney: We're gonna get out bro a four star nad rattler. You search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants and diving boards. And I'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding props.
Ted: What about animals?
Barney: Uh claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey's fists, we can do this!

Marshall: I'll give my dad a call after Dr. Stengal gives me the thumbs up.
Ted: Ew! He has to do that?

No! Unacceptable! You are going to turn around, you're going to go home, get naked, lay together as man and wife, until Lily is great with child!

When your friends have great news you're happy for them for like a millisecond and then you start thinking about yourself.

Ted: Robin have you forgotten your new year's resolution?
Robin: I am never going to drink again...
Ted: No before that.
Robin: I am going to finish this entire bottle tonight.
Ted: No before that.

Robin, you need to check yourself before you Trebek yourself.

Hey I've been giving this some serious thought and I think I know how we can crush these floral arrangements.

Ted: Who canceled, your coven?
Steve: Coven, group of witches, boom!

You look gross when you cry. You know that?

Oh my God, you have a monocle! Is this real? Is this really happening? Good luck killing James Bond.

Ted: If I wanted to make it personal, I'd call you a bored little trophy wife who likes to play activist when the shops on Fifth Ave are closed.
Zoey: You're going down.
Ted: Down where? To the yacht club? I'd love to, but wait I'm half Jewish, is that going to be a problem?

Ted: Lily you're a psychopath.
Lily: Lil' bit... ohh a Panda.

HIMYM Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things...we're done here.

Ted