Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS

Ted: Jeez Lily it's like you have a butt on your chest.
Barney: Whoop whoop whoop whoop!

Robin, get me my legal pad. It's Pros and Cons Time!

Lily: Wait a minute. You're going to date two girls at once? Don't you think you should just choose one before it gets serious?
Ted: Define serious.
Lily: Well that's complicated. I guess you have to weigh expectations, emotional investments...
Marshall: Third base, serious at third base.

You didn't ruin a wedding, just the reception.

Barney: I picked the right tie didn't I?
Ted: You nailed it.

Barney: Here's your toast, single file ladies! No fatties!
Ted: That's ridiculous.
Barney: Yeah you're right, it's Cleveland. Single file ladies!

The happy couple needs to hear this! Things end, but from the ashes of your statistically probable divorce, hope can rise anew.

Wow Marshall really took a two-flusher on that one!

Oh thank God! Barney Stinson needs you right before his wedding, you assume there's at least one dead stripper in the closet.

Displaying quotes 82 - 90 of 477 in total