Look—a clock. We don't have that in America. You call that a tower? Try the Sears Tower, friend.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

I warned you. Standard birth control methods are usually ineffective against a Swanson.

I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful government projects.

Tom: Ron, ask me if I'm sad.
Ron: No.

Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and doing nothing, I'll do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant that nothing got done.

What's cholesterol?

Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
Ron: One.
Ann: That's it? One drink?
Ron: One shelf.
Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?
Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.

Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk.

I'll represent myself as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Sometimes when you make an omelet you've gotta break a few eggs. What's the alternative? No omelets at all? Who wants to live in that kind of world? Maybe birds. Then all their babies would live.

Leslie

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April