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Parks-and-recreation

Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely.

The next thing you'll want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.

I wouldn't know. I've never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan fried and salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep.

I did not sleep for one second last night. And I cracked the bottom of the toilet bowl.

There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

I'm going to get 12 eggs and part of a dead animal. Dealer's choice. Please and thank you.

I love nothing!

Girls, this is Ann. Talk to Ann. She's terrific.

Son, there's no wrong way to consume alcohol.

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