Ron: We only subscribe to two magazines: Reader's Digest and Ebony. Ebony was a clerical error but it was an interesting year of reading.

Sales person: Oh, we don't accept American currency, sir.
Ron: This is the most wonderful piece of paper in the world. Of course you'll accept it. Accept it.

Look—a clock. We don't have that in America. You call that a tower? Try the Sears Tower, friend.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

I warned you. Standard birth control methods are usually ineffective against a Swanson.

I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful government projects.

Tom: Ron, ask me if I'm sad.
Ron: No.

Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

Normally, if given the choice between doing something and doing nothing, I'll do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant that nothing got done.

What's cholesterol?

Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
Ron: One.
Ann: That's it? One drink?
Ron: One shelf.
Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?
Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.