Donna: Oh my God, you are such a sore loser.
Ron: I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win and when I don’t, I get furious.

I will leave my children $50 a piece. Enough for the cab ride home from the funeral and a steak dinner. End of discussion.

Ron: The three most useless jobs in the world in order are: lawyer, congressman, and doctor.

I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death, I will transfer all of my belongings to the man or animal who has killed me.

Ben: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to have a weapon at work.
Ron: Literally, everything is a weapon. That folder in my hands is far deadlier than this bow in yours.

Ron Swanson: Ron.
Ron Don: Ron.
Ron Swanson: Last name?
Ron Done: Done.
Ron Swanson: Is that your name or are you telling me you're finished talking?
Ron Done: Both.
Ron Swanson: Done and Done.

Ron: We only subscribe to two magazines: Reader's Digest and Ebony. Ebony was a clerical error but it was an interesting year of reading.

Sales person: Oh, we don't accept American currency, sir.
Ron: This is the most wonderful piece of paper in the world. Of course you'll accept it. Accept it.

Look—a clock. We don't have that in America. You call that a tower? Try the Sears Tower, friend.

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

I warned you. Standard birth control methods are usually ineffective against a Swanson.