I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.

Jerry's work is often adequate.

Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing.

I never thought I would say this to you son, but you may be over thinking this.

Ron: Thank you all for being here, let's get started.
Leslie: Wow, great attitude Ron.
Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.

I hate riddles, and other such nonsense. I want that on record, but something wicked with a book is my ex-wife's library.

When I eat it is the food that is scared.

Straight down the middle, no hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

Ron: Tom, I'm asking you as a man to stop this immediately!
Ron: What the f***?

The important thing is the dam is never happening, and your dream has been crushed.

I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

Tom, we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap!