Luke, that is very offensive to women. Your mom works very hard, just now she works for us.

Just test-driving my new soup strainer. I dug it out of the Halloween stuff to see what people think.

Just concluding a little business. Successfully, I might add!

Cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn't even let me and my buddies, Trevor, Scotty and Ling go to their parties.

The little snowflake makes it cold, cold, cold. Set Temperature makes it hold, hold, hold...

I know this seems impossible, but this is for all those times Mom told you she was right and you knew she was wrong.

Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.

You're all the porn I need.

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

I'm feeling better now...OH GOD IT'S CANCER!!!

Don't talk black to me!

Gather round like you're hugging me, but don't touch me!

Modern Family Quotes

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't google that, by the way.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay