The only time I break a sweat is when we run after the ice cream truck

This is house Dunphy. We fail here.

Aww. The scarier you try to be, the more adorable you are.

Phil, we're them! We're the cover of the old people pamphlet.

Claire

Phil: Trust me I'm cool as a cucumber. Something about the coat just knows what my body needs.
Claire: You're sweating like a heroin addict.

Claire: You think maybe you're being a little hard on Luke?
Phil: We're his parents Claire, it's our job to keep him off the stripper pole.

Phil: Well good morning Leonard.
Luke: Leonard?
Phil: I know it's not the well-behaved son Luke who'd never take our car out without a license and get arrested.

Claire: Phil, duck feed!
Phil: Hey, that's almost my name.

Phil: It's time, somebody warm some towels!
Claire: Every time I crack an egg, really?

It's like being on a submarine, right?

Congrats! I'm gonna roll away before you spit on my screen again!

Claire: We were called into Principal Brown's office one week before Alex's graduation.
Phil: That can only mean one of two things. Either she's going to be valedictorian, or they're giving an award for sexiest dad.

Modern Family Quotes

We all weave a web of lies. Some we tell to try to help the ones we love, some we tell to try to fool ourselves.

Manny

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't google that, by the way.

Phil