Claire: Oh, how cute. You tried to scare me for Halloween
Phil: How in the world did that not frighten you? Some of this is my actual blood! I knicked myself putting it on.
Claire: Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people. It's all about plausibility. And you were awfully casual for a guy that just got an ax in the chest. You know, if you really wanted to scare me, you should have waited until I opened the closet and found you hanging by a necktie.
Phil: Excuse me! I killed myself?!
Claire: Yeah, totally plausible. I mean, you've been so happy all these years, the other shoe is bound to drop, right?

Hey, I came to see a movie I'd already seen and know where all the jump scares are. Can you tell me where the big ones are in this one?

I love it that you're smart now.

Laura: Did you pre-heat my oven?
Jay: Not on purpose.

Maybe spend a little less time with your nose in that psych book and a little more time being sexy.

Phil: On the trip's final morning, Dede was found in her room. She had apparently passed peacefully in her sleep, as a smile graced her face and her hands clutched ten pages of suggestions for the hotel staff.
Claire: That is so mom.
Mitch: Easy.

  • Permalink: Easy.
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I am totally confused about what we're supposed to do.

Ok, so what does real estate equal? Eighty percent contact.

Hey. You there? We're having some trouble getting these bad boys down.

I know you're scared, but you should feel proud. You took kind of a weird kid and turned him into somebody so comfortable with himself, he's willing to take on a pretty big adventure.

Cam

Margaret is very vulnerable! I've had to rescue her a bunch of times from cults and an Amway pyramid.

Jay

Hey, you're blocking the driveway. Hit the road already.

Haley

Modern Family Quotes

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't google that, by the way.

Phil

But if you're always telling yourself how lucky you are, it's probably because you're afraid to ask yourself how happy you are. Right?

Dylan