Sheldon: You'll effectively be paying yor self 5.19 per day
Penny: A day??
Sheldon: There are children in sneaker factories in Indonesia that outearn you
Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon [after twitching for a minute]: I have a working knowledge of the important things
Wolowitz [about his phone call]: Looks like I'm going to have sex tonight
Penny: His right hand is calling him?
I'm from Nebraska. When we shoot things, it's because we want to eat em' or make them leave our boyfriends alone
Penny: What are we gonna do?
Leonard: We? No, no, no. You had your chance to be "we" for like a year and a half now. Right now, you are you and you are screwed.
Leonard [about his mother]: She's only been here a day and a half, and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday, and I've been half bombed ever since.
Penny: What was Leonard like when he was little?
Mrs. Hofstadter: Oh, I think you mean "young." He's always been little.
Penny [about his mom]: You can't let her get into your head
Leonard: It's too late for me, my head is her summer house
Leonard: What was the plan?
Penny: Um, waitress for six months and then become a movie star.
Leonard: Was there a Plan B?
Penny: TV star.
Penny: No, I can't. Sheldon, honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won't it also be 'weird' if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rainwater?
Penny: Wow, you've got a lot of money in there.
Sheldon: That's why it's guarded by snakes.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you, he's an idiot.
Leonard: Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because a smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: That's what you took from that?