Michael: What do you like best about Pam?
Jim: Oh, I really don't wanna talk about it.
Michael: What is it, is it her legs, her boobs, or?
Jim: Um, she's easy to talk to, I guess. And, she's got a really good sense of humor.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Mmm hmm.
Michael: Never gets any of my jokes.

Michael: Mmm... what flavor coffee is that... updog?
Ryan: What?
Michael: I dunno, nothing, what's up with you?
Ryan: Huh?

Michael: Hey Stanley, is that jacket made of updog?
Stanley: I'm on the phone.

Jim: Um, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael: What's updog?
Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?

Doctor: Does the area look red and swollen?
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: That's my joke — dammit, Dwight!

I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me, and since I don't have a butler I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill, then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it, I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

Michael: I wanted all of you to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society.
Jim: Quick question, uhh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall?
Ryan: Twice?
Michael: Good question. Forrest Gump — mentally challenged, Philadelphia — AIDS.
Kevin: I think that's from Big.
Michael: I don't think so, no.
Kelly: Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia.
Michael: He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability. It still works.

Dwight: Where are we going?
Jim: Chuck E. Cheese.
Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.
Jim: We're going to the hospital, Michael.
Michael: I know, I'm just saying.

Michael: Dwight, put the bottle down or you're fired!
Dwight: You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!

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