Donna: Michael, I didn't think I'd hear from you. How have you been?
Michael: I have a disease, of which there is no known cure. It has been sexually transmitted to me. I can't even say it. H-I-R-P-E-E-S.

There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. He's a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise. He loves other things as well.

Darryl: You didn't have to boo him.
Michael: He was getting a lot of applause and I didn't think it was indicative of how people were feeling.

Plumber: You're the guy who boo'd me.
Michael: Mmm. No. There were a lot of people booing you, I wasn't one of them.
Plumber: Uhh, I saw you. And you were the only one.
Michael: Get your eyes checked chuckle head.
Creed: Be cool Michael, I saw this guy kill a bunch of people.

Ahhh, I'm gonna mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job. Bah. Bah. Good thing I'm here 'cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous. Gahh.

I was raised by wolfs. I was 25 years old before I saw my first human being. Wait, is it a full moon tonight? Awooooooo!

Michael: I know what you wanna ask me, did your mom ever see you naked?
Toby: We can do this with more privacy.
Michael: So you can molest me? Okay, I don't think so. We're gonna keep the blinds open so everyone can see what a big failure you are.

You are the worst. I hate looking at your face. I wanna smash it.

Michael: You don't have all the facts.
Jo: Which are?
Michael: I love him.
Jo: How far has it gone?

Oscar: If there's nothing wrong with this Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?
Michael: Because I wanted you to come to me and say "Wow, he is so great" and I was gonna say "Well it's in the genes." And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans...and I'd point to them.

Do you think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid, and a 50 year old guy...who was a murderer? Really safe.

The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of Ace Ventura 2, and that was '95, so yes...15 years on the dot.

The Office Quotes

Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.


Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.