Bart: He's alive!
Marge: And he didn't pee on the floor.
Grampa: For me that's a perfect day.

The kids are a mess. You brought them home exhausted and pretentious.

Marge: You're all bald.
Homer: No, I'm young person cool-bald. Not old person sad-bald.

I don't care for silent auctions. It just encourages hovering.

Homer: That's one way to avoid drunk driving.
Marge: Another way is don't drink.
Homer: I'm not Superman.

Just once I'd like your father to be on a Jumbotron for something good.

This date night was even worse than the date night we saw Date Night.

Marge: Homer, I'm a single mother, trying to raise a family here.
Homer: But you're not-
Marge: Just zip it.

Homer: Now that's what I call a snappy retort.
Marge: Stop saying what you call things! I'm trying to watch the movie.

Marge: This is the stupidest fight ever!
Homer: We've had stupider!

Lisa: Sometimes i wish strangling your kid was still legal.
Marge: Not since they passed Homer's Law.

Homer: How would you like to have future sex?
Marge: Why do you say future this is now?
Homer: I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.

The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

The Monorail Song
Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
(audience laughs)
Homer: Heh heh! Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail! ...
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty & Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.
Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!