The Simpsons

Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The simpsons
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Child Psychiatrist: First, let me assure you that Bart's antics are perfectly normal for a seven-year-old.
Marge: Actually, he's ten.
Child Psychiatrist: Oh, dear. Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.

(Marge is stressed about the possible doom of Lisa's animals.)
Bart: Oh, this benfit concert is gonna be Scooby Dooby!
Marge: I'm very happy for you, Bart. (Sighs)
Bart: Why are you sad? Thinkin' about your marriage?

Bart: So how did Malt Liquor Mommy die?
Marge: Stop calling her that!

(Michael and Fat Tony invite the Simpson family over for dinner.)
Marge: We'd love to! You know, I've never met you wife.
Fat Tony: Sadly, my Anna Maria was whacked by natural causes.
Marge: Oh, you're a widower.
Fat Tony: I bring flowers to her grave every Sunday.
Marge: Ooh, flowers every week! I wish I was dead.

Homer: Bart's having girl troubles. You'd better go talk to him.
Marge: It's clown troubles, that's your responsibility!
Homer: I thought I was in charge of bedtime stories and pets dying!
Marge: Yeah, well we're adding clowns.
Homer: Oh, fine! But you just bought yourself ear piercing and strange new feelings!

Marge: Homer, look what I found in your mother's things.
(Marge gives Homer a DVD)
Homer: A donut from the future?

Marge: My purse is made of hemp. If we burn it, the silly smoke will mellow out those guards.
Lisa: We could ignite it with these crystal earrings Grandma gave me.
Marge: I thought she gave you her rebellious spirit.
Lisa: I found them on her nightstand.
(Marge gives her a look)
Lisa: What?! Bart got a Swiss army knife!

Mona: For Marge, I leave this handbag, made of nature's finest material, hemp.
Marge: (Sniffs bag) Smells like concerts!

Marge: (To Bart) Say something comforting.
Bart: Okay, comforting, comforting. Uh, Dad? Whenever I would hang out with Grandma she would always ask me about you and I'd say, "You suck." And she would say, "You don't suck that bad."
Homer: She said I didn't suck?
Bart: That bad.
Homer: That bad. Wow.
Bart: Yeah.

Call me old-fashioned, but I usually don't like movies that humiliate our family in front of the world.

Marge: Thank God they're not jeering at us anymore.
Homer: I know. (pause) Kinda miss it.
Bart: I know! We'll be in another movie. And this time we'll act really bad!
Marge: No more Simpsons movies! One was plenty.

(Marge tracks down Lurleen's father.)
Marge: Hello. Are you Royce Lumpkin?
Royce: That's right.
Marge: The father of Lurleen Lumpkin?
Royce: Lurleen? (sighs) I ain't seen my little girl in 30 years. She must be what, uh, 12, 13 by now?
Marge: She's 34, and she's having a rough time!
Royce: Oh, man. I better whiskey up these corn flakes. (pours whiskey in his cereal)
Marge: She needs to see you right away!
Royce: Aw, man. I better heroin up this orange juice. (shoots contents of a syringe into his glass)

Displaying quotes 121 - 132 of 565 in total

The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Wow, now I see why they call you Miss Hoover. You must have been vacuuming for an hour.

Bart