Peter: Alright, lets dope her up good -- get that mouth off her.
Cleveland: No Peter! The problem is you!

Lois: Oh I'm not doing anything special, just sitting here with the baby.
Stewie: Screw you too.

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Chris: It's made of skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home?
Lois: Yeah, I'd like that.

Chris: Hey Heather I made your favorite cookies, now I want to hear about your day.
Peter: Hey Lois I heard Katherine Heigl likes to french kiss.
Lois: Oh my god, Chris treats that pile of junk better than Peter treats me!

Lois: I thought you said you'd take care of it!
Peter: I did. He slept with it, now he'll slowly grow to hate it for the next 20 years.

You shouldn't have to do porn to feel appreciated.

Lois: Is that what you really thoguht?
Peter: I did, I really did.

Chris: Mom, is dad gonna die?
Lois: Well Brian's the one with the brain tumor.

Lois: Doctor, do you think the brain tumor could have anything to do with Brian's recent behavior?
Doctor: Hmm, I haven't heard of brains being linked to behavior, but I suppose anything's possible.

Lois: Peter, we gotta go talk to Donna.
Peter: Alright, but you need to cool down first, Lois. Find a way to channel your anger. What I do is throw a shot put into a crowd and make it look like an accident.

Peter: I'm having an affair.
Lois: That's ridiculous.
Peter: It's not ridiculous, it's Cybill Shepherd. She's attainable for a guy like me now.

Family Guy Quotes

[disappointedly] You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes ya feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah. You're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changin'. I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley