(the family is sitting around the dinner table, and Lois walks in)
Peter: Oh, finally! Some of us have been waitin' all evening for a certain wife to come home and feed her starving family.
Lois: Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner?
Peter: You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a "hot body, weird face" contest, it can't be done.

Peter: Hey Lois, you say something?
Lois: Oh, just that I think that you'll love this cake.
Stewie: None for me, thanks, it's gonna go straight to my vagina. (to Brian) That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

Lois: Well, I got good news. I'm going to be the Church's new organist. (Both Brian and Meg talk simultaneously.)
Brian: Hey, hey, congrats.
Meg: Wow mom, that's great.
Chris: That means you'll play the organ.

(Peter enters the bedroom on his horse)
Peter: Ugh, it's been a long day Lois, a long day.
(Peter gets into bed, with the horse)
Lois: Peter what the hell, you can't bring that horse into our bed!
Peter: Lois, I can not believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He's a graceful, majestic creature, who is a part of this family and only wants you to love and respect--The horse may have pooped in the bed.

Chris: Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house?
Lois: She won't care Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon.
Peter: (laughing) When will it work for her?

Lois: Ah, it is so good to be home. Ya know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values, but values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs.
Peter: I agree Lois. Like for instance, If you're watching a TV show, and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. (pauses, looks to the camera) Yeah.

Lois: And lately, this family has been lacking moral fiber, especially you Meg. (Cuts to scene where Meg and Stewie are in living room.)
Lois: Meg! What happened to you?
Stewie: (Sad tone) She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kinda lays there. It's really sad. (Happy tone) And a tiny bit funny. Oh my God, I think I'm getting a contact high! (sags like Meg.) Uh, now I'm messed up too.

Lois: Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet.
Quagmire: Well ya know Lois, I gotta confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but it's fine, it's fine, I'm happy to help.

Lois: Peter, what the hell is that?
Peter: Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a Scarejew.
Lois: Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard, it's racist, and for god's sake ya ruined your best suit. Now we're gonna have to get you a new one...
Peter: Shh shhh, Lois, Lois look. (They go inside and Mort comes to the door)
Mort: Hey guys, I just wanted to return your... Oooh! oh my god it's Hitler! He's back, he's back. hurry, protect Jon Stewart. He's out most important Jew.

Lois: (Walks into bedroom and hears Peter laugh.) Peter? I know you're in here.
Peter: Yes I am Lois... (High pitched) But where?
Lois: Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. Peter: You have to find me first Lois. (High pitched) Where could I be? Lois: Well there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I gotta figure you're in there. Peter: How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York Style magazine kiosk. Lois: Peter, this all looks very expensive.
Peter: Yes, you might say it was... shockingly expensive. Lois: I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (Peter comes from behind and shocks her.)
Peter: (Laughs) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk? Decoys, Lois, decoys! (Laughs and runs)

Lois: Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. Don't you think it's time we did something with it?
Peter: Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours?
Lois: What?
Peter: What?
Lois: Because I had an idea. Remember when we first got married?
Peter: And I said what would it feel like to be a bear.
Lois: No, no, no. I'm talking about that dream we had, Peter, remember? We tried to open that restaurant and we never quite got it going.
Peter: Yeah, we got shut down because of my exploding cupcakes. (Cuts to scene where a couple is sitting.)
Gerald: Hmm, I hope these taste as good as they look. (Takes a bite and head explodes.)
Woman: (gasp) Gerald!
Peter: (Walks by.) He he he, the secret is in the frosting... but I'll never tell.

Quagmire: (Pointing to strip of carpet.) Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, a unicorn, or something like that?
Lois: No, I want it all gone Glenn.
Quagmire: All right, we're going Brazilian!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Now I may be an idiot, but there's one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot.

Peter