Lois: (Walks into bedroom and hears Peter laugh.) Peter? I know you're in here.
Peter: Yes I am Lois... (High pitched) But where?
Lois: Peter, if you shock me, I swear to God I'm leaving you. Peter: You have to find me first Lois. (High pitched) Where could I be? Lois: Well there's a Quonset hut that I've never seen in this room before. I gotta figure you're in there. Peter: How do you know, Lois? I could be in that New York Style magazine kiosk. Lois: Peter, this all looks very expensive.
Peter: Yes, you might say it was... shockingly expensive. Lois: I'm going to try the Quonset hut. (Peter comes from behind and shocks her.)
Peter: (Laughs) I was in the bathroom. The hut and the kiosk? Decoys, Lois, decoys! (Laughs and runs)

Lois: Peter, you've been sleeping with that money for the past week. Don't you think it's time we did something with it?
Peter: Buy a bolt and shut that trap of yours?
Lois: What?
Peter: What?
Lois: Because I had an idea. Remember when we first got married?
Peter: And I said what would it feel like to be a bear.
Lois: No, no, no. I'm talking about that dream we had, Peter, remember? We tried to open that restaurant and we never quite got it going.
Peter: Yeah, we got shut down because of my exploding cupcakes. (Cuts to scene where a couple is sitting.)
Gerald: Hmm, I hope these taste as good as they look. (Takes a bite and head explodes.)
Woman: (gasp) Gerald!
Peter: (Walks by.) He he he, the secret is in the frosting... but I'll never tell.

Quagmire: (Pointing to strip of carpet.) Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, a unicorn, or something like that?
Lois: No, I want it all gone Glenn.
Quagmire: All right, we're going Brazilian!

(Brian is sitting on the toilet)
Lois: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you.
Brian: Hey, well you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.
Lois: Well still, good for you.
(Lois leaves, and Stewie enters)
Stewie: So, where are you really doin' your business?
Brian: Oh, I found a place.
(Scene cuts to Adam West's mansion, he walks near some bushes
Adam West: Well I'll be damned, and they called me crazy; "You can't plant sausage seeds" they said, well look at this!

Lois: (Enters through front door.) Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian: My poop.
Lois: (Takes tissue and wipes shoe.) That's right and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else.
Stewie: Uh, I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. (Sneezes on tissue with Brian's poop and looks at it.) Ahhhhh! (Runs away.)

Peter: I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?
Lois: Peter, that's ridiculous.
Octopus: Ready for round two man? (Peter and Lois look outside. Octopus has a cigarette in one of the tentacles.) I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?
(Peter closes blinds)

Lois: Trust me, it'll work better than the first telephone.
Alexander Graham Bell: Well, we did it Watson. What an afternoon. We finally perfected the first telephone.
Thomas Watson: Yeah, uh, hey listen, somebody called me today. Uh, whoever it was, said some very sexual things, very angry, sexual things.
Alexander Graham Bell: Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere... damn them.
Thomas Watson: Well, well that's, that's the thing. I mean, there's, there's only two phones, in the, well, in the world and one of them is in my office and the other one is in your office and those two didn't even exist until a few hours ago.
Alexander Graham Bell: Yikes, I could use a distraction right now.

Lois: Alright, Peter. Who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?
Peter: Ah, who are we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Lets just forget the whole thing.
Lois: No, honey. It's gotta work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann Margerat?
Peter: Anybody I want?
Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.
Peter: Babs
Lois: (Uneasily) My mother?

Peter: (about having sex with Babs) Lois, I couldn't go through with it.
Lois: But Peter, you have to! For the sake of our marriage!
Peter: Screw our marriage! I love you!

Peter: Hey, Bill. Are you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here... humping... you!
Lois: Peter! Look, I know this looks bad and I feel horrible, and... and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except... I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in US history and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years!
Bill Clinton: 35 years.
Lois: 35 years, Peter!
Peter: Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex crazed side only I know!

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!

Lois: Chris, what happening to the couch?
Chris: Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said "that's what rednecks do!"

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley