Principal: I suppose there is one thing I could do to raise the school's test average.
Lois: Then do it!
Principal: Oh right, we'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled!
Chris: But if I leave now, I won't hear who is the dumbest kid in school.

Lois: They cut our school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the founding fathers had in mind. (Cuts to scene to signing of Declaration of Independence.)
Man On Podium: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Thomas Jefferson: Here.
Man on Podium: Benjamin Franklin?
Benjamin Franklin: Here.
Man on Podium: John Footpenis?
John Hancock: It's Hancock now.
Man on Podium: Why?
John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why.

Lois: And lately, this family has been lacking moral fiber, especially you Meg. (Cuts to scene where Meg and Stewie are in living room.)
Lois: Meg! What happened to you?
Stewie: (Sad tone) She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kinda lays there. It's really sad. (Happy tone) And a tiny bit funny. Oh my God, I think I'm getting a contact high! (sags like Meg.) Uh, now I'm messed up too.

Lois: Well, I got good news. I'm going to be the Church's new organist. (Both Brian and Meg talk simultaneously.)
Brian: Hey, hey, congrats.
Meg: Wow mom, that's great.
Chris: That means you'll play the organ.

Lois: Ah, it is so good to be home. Ya know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values, but values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs.
Peter: I agree Lois. Like for instance, If you're watching a TV show, and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. (pauses, looks to the camera) Yeah.

(Peter enters the bedroom on his horse)
Peter: Ugh, it's been a long day Lois, a long day.
(Peter gets into bed, with the horse)
Lois: Peter what the hell, you can't bring that horse into our bed!
Peter: Lois, I can not believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He's a graceful, majestic creature, who is a part of this family and only wants you to love and respect--The horse may have pooped in the bed.

Peter: Hey Lois, you say something?
Lois: Oh, just that I think that you'll love this cake.
Stewie: None for me, thanks, it's gonna go straight to my vagina. (to Brian) That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

Chris: Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house?
Lois: She won't care Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon.
Peter: (laughing) When will it work for her?

TV Announcer: This is Channel 5 news Texas, with Duke Dillon.
Duke: Howdy Texas, I'm Duke Dillon. At the top of the news tonight, authorities have called off their pursuit of a fugitive Rhode Island baby, who was thought to be possessed by the devil.
Lois: Oh, thank god!
Duke: This turn of events came after Vatican scientists announced today, that the devil is not the greatest threat to salvation. Due to last weeks discovery of the Super Devil. Religion reporter Dallas Houston has the story.
Dallas: Thanks Duke, well let me try and get you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least six inches taller, uh, he has a flying motorcycle, and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery.

(the family is sitting around the dinner table, and Lois walks in)
Peter: Oh, finally! Some of us have been waitin' all evening for a certain wife to come home and feed her starving family.
Lois: Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner?
Peter: You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a "hot body, weird face" contest, it can't be done.

Lois: Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet.
Quagmire: Well ya know Lois, I gotta confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but it's fine, it's fine, I'm happy to help.

Lois: Peter, what the hell is that?
Peter: Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a Scarejew.
Lois: Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard, it's racist, and for god's sake ya ruined your best suit. Now we're gonna have to get you a new one...
Peter: Shh shhh, Lois, Lois look. (They go inside and Mort comes to the door)
Mort: Hey guys, I just wanted to return your... Oooh! oh my god it's Hitler! He's back, he's back. hurry, protect Jon Stewart. He's out most important Jew.

Family Guy Quotes

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)