Lois: Peter, have you seen Brian?
Peter: (with his back to her, his voice is muffled) No, Lois. I have not.
Lois: Well, I haven't seen him since this morning and I--what is that on your head?
(Peter turns to reveal Brian duct taped to his face)
Peter: It's a mustache, Lois! What, you've never seen a mustache before?!
Brian: (calmly)Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?
Peter: Quiet, mustache!

Lois: Peter, Meg's been down there an awfully long time.
Peter: Boy, you cannot wait to criticise her at every turn, can you, Lois?

Lois: Wow Peter, I gotta say, you've really been true to your word about treating Meg better.
Peter: She's my only daughter, Lois. She needs to be protected, like a rare gemstone, or the herniated scrotum of an older gentleman.

Lois: Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? He won't go to sleep without it.
Peter: I threw it away.
Stewie: What?! What the hell man I don't throw away your stuff. And where's my goat?
Lois: Peter, why would you do that?
Peter: Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children!

Lois: Peter, why are you wearing that suit?
Stewie: Yes, you look like the statue of liberty's pimp.
(Stewie and Brian share a High-five)

Stewie: (looking in the barrel of a shotgun) Go ahead, mother! Do it! Shoot me! Shoot your little baby Stewie!
Lois: (dramatic pause; her arm holding the gun shakes then she drops on her knees, dropping the gun) I can't do it! You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you.
Stewie: Well, that works out perfectly because I CAN HURT YOU! (grabs the gun and aims at Lois' face) Say hi to Cleveland for me! Oh, and Mr. Weed.
(dramatic pause; a gunshot is heard, Lois is unhurt, Stewie looks down at his bleeding chest, another shot is heard and hits Stewie in the head; Peter is seen holding a smoking gun)
Peter: It's just been revoked!
Brian: Uh, Peter, we didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here.
Peter: Oh... I'll have what she's having!
Brian: That's... better?

Meg: Wait a minute. Chris are you clapping?
Chris: Yeah.
Lois: So your hands are free.
Chris: Yeah.
Lois: Stewie didn't tie up your hands.
Chris: No he must've forgot.
Lois: You realize we've been sitting here for 14 hours.
Chris: Well get pissy if you want, Mom. I've enjoyed the time we've had as a family.

Ship Officer: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois: We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell do you thing you were doing?
Peter: Lois, it is called "the poop deck", that is why I pooped there.
Ship Officer: You're disgusting.
Peter: And you're misleading.

Peter: ...besides we're not hurting anybody.
Lois: What are you talking about?! You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house.
(Stewie looking out forlornly from the open wall of his room)
Stewie: What is this?! There's something wrong with the house... I don't like change.

Lois: So Meg, any luck in finding another job?
Meg: No, hardly anybody is hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line and I sucked at it.
(cuts to living room, Meg is on the couch talking on the phone)
Meg: What am I wearing? Um, a hat, and glasses. What kind of underwear? Um, I don't know, big underwear I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well, um, I guess maybe we'd get pizza, and we could watch House?
(Cuts to Peter upstairs, also on the phone)
Peter: Alright, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway ma'am, I appreciate your time. (hangs up the phone)

(Power goes out, the whole family gasps)
Lois: Oh my god, the power's out.
Chris: What are we gonna do now?
Brian: Well, we could light some candles and read.
(rest of the family pauses before breaking out in laughter)
Chris: Yeah right.
Stewie: Yeah that'd be great.
Peter: Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

Lois (Leia): (to Luke) Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?
Chris (Luke): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Lois (Leia): Wait! Who are you?
Chris (Luke): I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Lois (Leia): Wait! Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Chris (Luke): Yeah. Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?

Family Guy Quotes

Vladmir Putin: Where is bathroom? I George Brett myself on plane.
Peter: Eww. Gross.

Peter: How do you say friend in Russian?
Putin: There is no Russian word for it.