Lois: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt! And I won't let Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot, or sentient robot, curious about it's own existence keep us apart!

Lois: Peter used to be so passionate, but now he doesn't seem to be interested in me.
Quagmire: Lois, if I may, Peter doesn't you. As a friend, I think you deserve to be with someone who knows how to be a gentleman.
Lois: Oh, Glen. You're so sweet. (They embrace) Something's poking me.
Quagmire: It's alright. It's just my wang.

(Lois walks out of Quagmire's house to pick up a letter from the mailbox)
Peter: Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night and you sleep with Quagmire?!
Lois: Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business.
Peter: Husband?
Quagmire: Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Baby, Let's go play "Schoolgirl & Guy Who Has Sex With Schoolgirl".
(Lois giggles)

Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry Peter, I'm afraid she has her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius. Oh!
Chris, Meg, and Stewie: (all laugh) Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.

Molly Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois: I know! Who would have thought Bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.

Lois: Oh you guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your hard work. It's really gonna make a difference with my campaign.
Peter: Hey Lois, take a look. I just made five hundred tee shirts that say "Vote For Lois, unless you're queer. No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."

Lois: Hey you guys.
Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois: What?
Chris: What?

Lois: And I think we all realize the importance of stopping the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog. Which is why I'm proposing a very modest tax increase that will help us to--
(crowd begins to boo loudly)
Man #1: No, no, no, that's awful, no, no, no, I'm not okay with that.
Man #2: (chanting) No new taxes!
Crowd: No new taxes! No new taxes! No new taxes!
Lois: But... what about the terrorists?
(entire crowd gasps)
Lois: That's right, terrorists. We have intelligence that suggests that... Hitler... is plotting... with, with the Legion of Doom... to assassinate Jesus. Using the lake as a base.

Chris: (rings doorbell, person answers) Hi, I'm going door to door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday?
(Camera pans to show Lois standing in the doorway)
Lois: Chris, this is our house.
Chris: Ah, then what is for dinner?
Lois: Pork chops.
Chris: Excellent.
Lois: Chris, have you been to any other houses?
Chris: I have not.
Lois: Would you like to come in?
Chris: Please.

Chris (moaning): Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?
Lois: Until our hair grows back, Chris.
Meg: Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?
Stewie: I don't think it's so bad, I feel rather like Mozart.
Brian: Hey Stewie, play Haydn.
(Stewie plays toy piano, Meg, Lois, and Chris laugh and clap)
Brian: Now play Handel.
(Stewie plays again, gets cheers from Meg, Lois and Chris)
Peter: Play Peter Griffin.
Stewie: Ah, now that is a challenge.

(Adam gasps)
Lois: What is it?
Adam: (quietly) A bee just flew in through the window. Don't move.
(The bee sits in the mayor's chair)
Bee: Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business; free honey for everyone! Yay, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee--OW! Oh, done stung myself. Bye world...

Peter: Lois, don't freaking put me through this again.
Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked the Nutcracker didn't you?
Peter: No Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And, and, with a name like the Nutcracker, I thought, oh, this would be worth a few yucks. But no Lois, that title wrote a check to those queers on stage refused to cash.

Family Guy Quotes

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)