Lois: Peter, have you seen Stewie's Speedy Gonzales video? He won't go to sleep without it.
Peter: I threw it away.
Stewie: What?! What the hell man I don't throw away your stuff. And where's my goat?
Lois: Peter, why would you do that?
Peter: Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant and a bad influence on our children!

Lois: Peter, why are you wearing that suit?
Stewie: Yes, you look like the statue of liberty's pimp.
(Stewie and Brian share a High-five)

Stewie: (looking in the barrel of a shotgun) Go ahead, mother! Do it! Shoot me! Shoot your little baby Stewie!
Lois: (dramatic pause; her arm holding the gun shakes then she drops on her knees, dropping the gun) I can't do it! You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you.
Stewie: Well, that works out perfectly because I CAN HURT YOU! (grabs the gun and aims at Lois' face) Say hi to Cleveland for me! Oh, and Mr. Weed.
(dramatic pause; a gunshot is heard, Lois is unhurt, Stewie looks down at his bleeding chest, another shot is heard and hits Stewie in the head; Peter is seen holding a smoking gun)
Peter: It's just been revoked!
Brian: Uh, Peter, we didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here.
Peter: Oh... I'll have what she's having!
Brian: That's... better?

Meg: Wait a minute. Chris are you clapping?
Chris: Yeah.
Lois: So your hands are free.
Chris: Yeah.
Lois: Stewie didn't tie up your hands.
Chris: No he must've forgot.
Lois: You realize we've been sitting here for 14 hours.
Chris: Well get pissy if you want, Mom. I've enjoyed the time we've had as a family.

Ship Officer: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois: We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell do you thing you were doing?
Peter: Lois, it is called "the poop deck", that is why I pooped there.
Ship Officer: You're disgusting.
Peter: And you're misleading.

Peter: ...besides we're not hurting anybody.
Lois: What are you talking about?! You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house.
(Stewie looking out forlornly from the open wall of his room)
Stewie: What is this?! There's something wrong with the house... I don't like change.

Lois: So Meg, any luck in finding another job?
Meg: No, hardly anybody is hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line and I sucked at it.
(cuts to living room, Meg is on the couch talking on the phone)
Meg: What am I wearing? Um, a hat, and glasses. What kind of underwear? Um, I don't know, big underwear I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well, um, I guess maybe we'd get pizza, and we could watch House?
(Cuts to Peter upstairs, also on the phone)
Peter: Alright, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway ma'am, I appreciate your time. (hangs up the phone)

(Power goes out, the whole family gasps)
Lois: Oh my god, the power's out.
Chris: What are we gonna do now?
Brian: Well, we could light some candles and read.
(rest of the family pauses before breaking out in laughter)
Chris: Yeah right.
Stewie: Yeah that'd be great.
Peter: Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

Lois (Leia): (to Luke) Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?
Chris (Luke): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Lois (Leia): Wait! Who are you?
Chris (Luke): I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Lois (Leia): Wait! Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Chris (Luke): Yeah. Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?

Lois (Leia): Governor Tarkin. I smelled your stench as soon as we were brought on board.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Um, actually, that's me. I made a Darth Doodie.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Princess Leia, we've decided to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.
Lois (Leia): NO!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): She said no. Should we still do it?
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yes.

Lois (Princess Leia): Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. All right, now what do I click?
Cleveland (R2-D2): Click "Preferences".
Lois (Princess Leia): OK, I've clicked "Preferences".
Cleveland (R2-D2): Now go to "Default Media Browser".
Lois (Princess Leia): OK...there's a little hourglass and it's...it's not letting me do anything. It...it says "Buffering", what is that?
Cleveland (R2-D2): Just give it a minute.
Lois (Princess Leia): All I'm trying to do is make an MPEG!
Cleveland (R2-D2): All I'm trying to do is tell you to wait a minute!
Lois (Princess Leia): OK, relax.
Cleveland (R2-D2): Now click "Import Video File".
Lois (Princess Leia): All right. It's...it's telling me I have to download Real Player 7.
Cleveland (R2-D2): You know what? I'll just bring it to him myself.

Lois: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt! And I won't let Quagmire, or any man, she-male, robot, or sentient robot, curious about it's own existence keep us apart!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley