Peter: She ain't what she used to be. Once you get those pants off it's like two sagging breast hams and a slice of pizza.
Lois: Thank you, Peter, that makes me feel terrific.

Peter: Lois, you have a gray hair.
Lois: What?
Peter: Inch and a half left of your part.
Lois: Oh my god, you're right.
Peter: You know I don't mind so much that you're aging, it's just the way you're shoving it down my throat.
Lois: Screw you Peter.
Peter: Wow, not today.

Lois: Peter, did you tell Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?
Peter: Um, define "Chris".

Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris: Anna took a dump on me.
Lois: What?!
Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.
Lois: Oh, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Chris: What's the difference?
Lois: Well, what you said first was... well, I mean, when two grown-ups love each other very much, sometimes they show it by... never mind.

Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your Vag.
Lois: What?
Peter: What?

Peter: (very drunk) Did I miss Byron's reward?
Lois: "Brian's award". And yes, you did!
Peter: Brian, you've been a good son, and I'm sorry you're so sick.

Brian: Lois, I really like to talk about this.(Brian starts scratching the door)
Lois: No! Stop scratching the door!
Brian: Okay.

Peter: I am so glad Brian brought us out here, Lois. He's a real pal, you know that?
Lois: Well, it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about.
Peter: Boy, he's a hell of a guy, isn't he? He's the one guy I know I can trust.
Lois: Brian tried to have sex with me.
(pause)
Peter: Was he bigger than me?

Lois: (after reading Peter's note) Well, heh, it looks like I am free. Hey, you know what might be fun? How bout we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies?
Brian: Yeah, that does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky.
Lois: I said a bad movie, not an abortion.

(after arriving at the resort) Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys. You know, the over privileged drunk ones, not the socially responsible dead ones.

Lois: Peter, someone's been using your credit card!
Peter: Lois, I hear what you're saying, but like my credit card, I have a very low rate of interest.

Lois: Peter, have you seen Brian?
Peter: (with his back to her, his voice is muffled) No, Lois. I have not.
Lois: Well, I haven't seen him since this morning and I--what is that on your head?
(Peter turns to reveal Brian duct taped to his face)
Peter: It's a mustache, Lois! What, you've never seen a mustache before?!
Brian: (calmly)Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?
Peter: Quiet, mustache!

Family Guy Quotes

Vladmir Putin: Where is bathroom? I George Brett myself on plane.
Peter: Eww. Gross.

Peter: How do you say friend in Russian?
Putin: There is no Russian word for it.