Tuesdays 10:00 PM on TBS
Cougar-town

I'm gonna leave before I stab a bitch.

If there's anything we've learned from Michelle Pfieffer in Dangerous Minds, or Sandy Bullock in The Blind Side, or Hilary Swank in that movie nobody ever saw, is that all you need to fix minority problems is a really pretty white woman.

Travis: Well you're betraying your own life philosophy.
Laurie: Never fight shorthaired bitches?

Since you recently found out you're a dad, I baked you a congrats on your baby-that-you-had-with-a-drunk-that-picked-up-at-your-bar-before-you-started-dating-Jules cake!

Jules: No one gets any wine until they say something nice about Ellie.
Laurie: I'm going to a bar.

Laurie: I almost barfed. Luckily I can control my gag reflex. [Looks at Ellie] Nothing?
Ellie: I don't swing at softballs.

Laurie: What is this? It looks like a smoke detector from a disco.
Ellie: That is a Simon.

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

Travis: So, what brings you to the phallus palace?
Laurie: That sounds like a great name for a gay bar.

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