Laurie: This will cheer you up! I have really good news?
Ellie: Are you sterile?!

Uh, I think I sweated off my birth control patch.

Happy Valentines Day. Yeah it's a fake holiday, but we still want stuff. Xoxo The female writers P.S. Not lingerie - that's for you

Title Card

There's a fun game - "Things Ellie Would Never Say."

I am now the official baker of the Latin Kings. Lil' Choke is gonna be so excited he gets stomped in this week.

Don't look a gift whore in the mouth.

Laurie: Zooey Descha-hell-no, what you two need is revenge. If someone hurts you, you hurt them right back.
Jules: Yeah revenge is better I'm in.
Andy: Me too.

Laurie: Wait guys, I read something!
Ellie: Already not a true story.

I'm gonna leave before I stab a bitch.

If there's anything we've learned from Michelle Pfieffer in Dangerous Minds, or Sandy Bullock in The Blind Side, or Hilary Swank in that movie nobody ever saw, is that all you need to fix minority problems is a really pretty white woman.

Travis: Well you're betraying your own life philosophy.
Laurie: Never fight shorthaired bitches?

Since you recently found out you're a dad, I baked you a congrats on your baby-that-you-had-with-a-drunk-that-picked-up-at-your-bar-before-you-started-dating-Jules cake!

Cougar Town Quotes

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

Did you finally get a visit from the nutsack fairy?

Ellie