Tuesdays 10:00 PM on TBS
Cougar-town

No one's ever made me a stalker video that I didn't have to see in a courtroom first. I love it.

Laurie: Burn in hell you sad, desperate skank.
Grayson: Texting your mom?
Laurie: Yeah.

Don't bum out Jules, not everyone is blessed with our God given lack of judgment.

Grocery store jail, seriously?

Laurie: If you really want to get back at a man, scare him with a pregnancy test. I've got a whole box of old positives at my house.
Ellie: You're an American treasure.

You're dressing like a lady who would do stuff for just a little bit of crack.

Laurie: Man hands? You're stealing jokes from Seinfeld now?
Jules: Was that that Jewish guy you dated in High School?
Ellie: No, he had a huge TV show. Must see TV?
Jules: Never heard of it. No one's gonna tell me what's must see.

Bobby: Well come on Mando, you're married Ellie. You're a seasoned crazy bitch whisperer. No offense.
Laurie: You know, he once bitch whispered me down from choking out a lady from using the handicap stall. Turns out she was handicapped, but, like, barely.

Jules: What the hell was that?
Laurie: You're getting landlined.

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