Even I’m uncomfortable, and I once had sex in a cemetery. I had "Rita Rogers Loving Wife and Mother" printed on my back for two weeks.

Laurie: Hey, for the record I wore underwear tonight so you'd think I was classy.
Travis: No you didn't.
Laurie: I didn't. Turns out I don't actually own any.

No one's ever made me a stalker video that I didn't have to see in a courtroom first. I love it.

Laurie: Burn in hell you sad, desperate skank.
Grayson: Texting your mom?
Laurie: Yeah.

Don't bum out Jules, not everyone is blessed with our God given lack of judgment.

Grocery store jail, seriously?

Laurie: If you really want to get back at a man, scare him with a pregnancy test. I've got a whole box of old positives at my house.
Ellie: You're an American treasure.

You're dressing like a lady who would do stuff for just a little bit of crack.

Laurie: Man hands? You're stealing jokes from Seinfeld now?
Jules: Was that that Jewish guy you dated in High School?
Ellie: No, he had a huge TV show. Must see TV?
Jules: Never heard of it. No one's gonna tell me what's must see.

Bobby: Well come on Mando, you're married Ellie. You're a seasoned crazy bitch whisperer. No offense.
Laurie: You know, he once bitch whispered me down from choking out a lady from using the handicap stall. Turns out she was handicapped, but, like, barely.

Jules: What the hell was that?
Laurie: You're getting landlined.

Ellie: Should I remove your nuts?
Laurie: Oh, it's not you, she's just a horrible person.

Cougar Town Quotes

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.

Bonnie: I'm not perfect Jules.
Jules: Really.