Cougar Town

Tuesdays 10:00 PM on TBS
Cougar town
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Grocery store jail, seriously?

Laurie: If you really want to get back at a man, scare him with a pregnancy test. I've got a whole box of old positives at my house.
Ellie: You're an American treasure.

You're dressing like a lady who would do stuff for just a little bit of crack.

Laurie: Man hands? You're stealing jokes from Seinfeld now?
Jules: Was that that Jewish guy you dated in High School?
Ellie: No, he had a huge TV show. Must see TV?
Jules: Never heard of it. No one's gonna tell me what's must see.

Bobby: Well come on Mando, you're married Ellie. You're a seasoned crazy bitch whisperer. No offense.
Laurie: You know, he once bitch whispered me down from choking out a lady from using the handicap stall. Turns out she was handicapped, but, like, barely.

Jules: What the hell was that?
Laurie: You're getting landlined.

Ellie: Should I remove your nuts?
Laurie: Oh, it's not you, she's just a horrible person.

Laurie: This will cheer you up! I have really good news?
Ellie: Are you sterile?!

Uh, I think I sweated off my birth control patch.

Happy Valentines Day. Yeah it's a fake holiday, but we still want stuff. Xoxo The female writers P.S. Not lingerie - that's for you

Title Card

There's a fun game - "Things Ellie Would Never Say."

I am now the official baker of the Latin Kings. Lil' Choke is gonna be so excited he gets stomped in this week.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 131 in total

Cougar Town Quotes

Grayson: Shall we?
Jules: Indeed!

Wooo! How can I do woo wrong?

Jules