Laurie: If Matt Damon weren't married and if he weren't a movie star and if he lived this town, we would totally date.
Jules: That's a lot of if's.
Ellie: Yeah, not enough.

Jules: It it so much harder to be a single woman.
Laurie: So much harder, do you read Kathy?

Laurie: Am I in a different conversation?
Jules: Almost always.

Jules: In one of our friendship talks, Travis told me she's not even on the pill. Condoms break all the time.
Laurie: Especially if there's piercings involved.
Ellie: Stop, I'm begging you.

Laurie: That's a nice top, but I couldn't wear it because of these puppies. [grabs boobs]
Kylie: Okay....
Ellie: Leave her alone! Hey, that's a nice necklace, are your parents rich?

Jules: The sales after Thanksgiving this year are going to be insane. We're talking full on shopping orgy.
Laurie: We are gonna save so much money by spending.

Laurie [to Jules for picture]: Arch your back and stick out your chest
Ellie: And say classy!

Laurie: Dale's not perfect, I mean it's not cool he forges Dan Marino's autograph for a living, but I think he really cares about me, don't you?
Travis: That depends, does he have your name tattooed anywhere on his body?
Laurie: He says he does but I haven't been able to find it

When I want to end it with a guy, I sleep with his best friend... or brother. Brothers are good because if the guy was hot, chances are the brother is too. Best friends are a crap shoot.

Laurie: There's nothing in your purse except three hundred dollars
Jules: That's five hundred, that's my half of a stupid bet bobby bet
Laurie: No, this feels like three hundred. My brother sold pot for six years

Laurie: Hey Grayson, if you were at a BBQ playing drinking games with your buds would you chug a girls beer and hug her sweetly from behind without trying to cop a feel if you weren't in love with her?
Grayson: Please stop coming to my bar

Laurie [about Ellie]: She's hot for a frigid, beastly, elderly woman
Ellie: You think I'm hot
Jules: That worked?
Ellie: Well yeah because if that trashy big lipped slag said it, it might be a little true
Laurie: You think I have big lips? That's really sweet

Cougar Town Quotes

Jules: Wine in the morning on the weekends. Lets all think about it people.
Bobby: Think about what?
Grayson: Morning drinking.

Jules: It's time to suck up!
Ellie: That's for boys.
Jules: It's time to uterus up!