Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
George: Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me?
George: My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.
- Permalink: Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uni...
The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!". How do you even start into being a clown, how do you know that you want to be a clown, I guess you get to a point where your pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. You're in the back seat of this guy's Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh man!"
- Permalink: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be t...
(Loud thump is heard from the door)
Jerry: Who is it?
Kramer: It's me!
Kramer: Why are you locking the door now?
- Permalink: Who is it? It's me! Why are you locking the door now?
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. Thats why the wedding vow isn't "do you take Bill Simpson", it's "do you take this man."
- Permalink: The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men...
I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it.
- Permalink: I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? Yo...
I like this opera crowd; I feel tough.
- Permalink: I like this opera crowd; I feel tough.
George: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
Jerry: Oh, that was a bad toast.
George: It wasn't that bad.
Jerry: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
George: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.
Jerry: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Redd Foxx record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
George: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!
- Permalink: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when...
(to a police officer) But officer, he threatened me. I don't understand, that's not right. What if it was the President of the United States, I bet you'd investigate. Well, so what? What's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States. And I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure.
- Permalink: But officer, he threatened me. I don't understand, that's not ri...
Jerry: So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh...so, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"
George: "The panties your mother laid out for you"? What does that mean?
Jerry: I don't know! It just popped out.
George: Well, how did she react?
Jerry: She flipped out! Just left.
George: Well, that's not offensive. It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
- Permalink: So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh...so, I said, You mea...