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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.

Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
Alan: Walk.

Jake: I lost my book.
Allan: And how were you going to write the report?
Jake: I was hoping for an earthquake.
Allan: What was your next plan?
Jake: I pretty much put all my eggs in the earthquake basket.

Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.

Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?

Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Teddy: Nothing.

Charlie: Just remember I'm doing you a favor. Don't forget it in a few years when I ask you to change my diaper.
Jake: Okay. Wait, what?

Jake: Want some cake?
Milly: I don't eat sugar.
Jake: Oh, yeah, me neither, unless it's in, like, pies and cookies and stuff.

Jake: You and me are having dinner with them on Friday so you can catch up.
Charlie: You and me?
Jake: Just don't clock block me, okay?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?

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