Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS

Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
Alan: Uh, laundry room.
Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.
Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?
Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.
Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!

Boo hoo, when are you going to stop blaming your problems on your mommy?

Jake: We wouldn't have these problems if you put a TV in my room.
Charlie: We wouldn't have these problems if we put a python in your room.
Jake: Touche, douche.

Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean... I miss Sex and the City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

Jake: I think she was the one.
Charlie: The one what?
Jake: The one that I thought was pretty and liked me and was gonna maybe let me do stuff to her one day.

Charlie: Girls don't generally respond to desperation.
Jake: How do you know?
Charlie: Are you kidding? I've been watching your father get shot down for twenty five years. It's like living with an air force training film.

Jake: I love her.
Alan: Stop it, you love fart jokes and pie.
Jake: Fart jokes, pie and Celeste.

Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...

Alan: You know what you call someone who just skates through life doing only the bare minimum?
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Alan: You call him a slacker.
Jake: Whateve...
Alan: Whateve? Are you now so lazy you can't even be bothered to finish words?
Jake: What's your prob? Don't you get happy if I just get in eighth grade? I mean isn't that the whole point of seventh?
Alan: No, that is not the whole point of seventh. And yes I'll be thrilled if you're not left back.
Jake: So relax, it's all good.
Alan: Don't you mean it's all "goo?"

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