Two and a Half Men

Jake Harper Quotes (Page 6)

Alan: What do I have to be depressed about?
Jake: You've been divorced twice, you're living on your brother's couch, and your only child is flunking tenth grade.
Alan: You're flunking tenth grade, when the hell did this happen?
Jake: Easy dude, I think you have bigger things to worry about.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Clean underwear?
Jake: Cleanish.
Charlie: Not good enough. With underwear there's no grey area.
Jake: Don't worry, it's not grey.
Charlie: Anything but white is unacceptable.
Jake: In that case, then I better change.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta: I thought you were taking your girlfriend out for dinner.
Jake: I am, but I thought if I eat first I won't pig out in the restaurant and make her sick.
Berta: Good idea, then you'll have the whole rest of the night to make her sick.
Jake: Exactly. Plus, I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Do either of you guys urinate with abnormal frequency?
Alan and Charlie: No.
Charlie: I mean, you gotta define abnormal
Alan: Keep in mind the body doesn't process alcohol efficiently, which is why your Uncle Charlie is a perpetual urine machine
Charlie: Also keep in mind your father has the bladder control of a frightened nine year old girl, which is why he needs to wear two pairs of undies and a panty liner
Alan: Only on long drives
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie [about Chelsea and Jake]: ...and one of you has to go, guess who that will be?
Jake: Why, because you sleep with her?
Charlie: Good for you, why do people think you're stupid?
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: So the doorman thing was an insult?
Alan: Yes, and a prophecy
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: If that's Sir Lancelot, who did you squish?
Charlie: Your hope of ever driving my car again
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Uncle Charlie, do you need to go anywhere?
Charlie: Yeah, away from you
Jake: You want me to drive?
Charlie: You want to drive my $80,000 Mercedes?
Jake: Yes, please
Charlie: He's unnecessarily polite for a future doorman
 • Rating: Unrated

Judith: Just because he's fifteen doesn't mean he's ready to drive
Jake: I've been driving for years. Grand Theft Auto 1, Grand Theft Auto 2. And I've never drove anyone over except for pimps and crack whores.
Alan: Jake!
Jake: Sorry, dad. Crack prostitutes.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Alan: Eating
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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