Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

(After Janine goes into the kitchen)
Charlie: You don't know who you're messing with.
Jake: (yelling loudly) Are you kidding? I think she's gorgeous! (then slaps his hands together to make her think Charlie's hitting him) OW!! OW!!! (smugly) You don't know who you're messing with.

Charlie: Listen, Janine. Thanks for everything, but I should probably get this little guy home and come back. It's way past his bedtime.
Jake: What are you talking about? It's not past my bedtime.
Charlie: What do you wanna bet he falls asleep in the car and I have to carry him in?
Jake: What do you wanna bet he has to go home and take a laxative because he's too old to poop normal?

I love sleeping so much sometimes I even dream about it.

A lot of great discoveries were accidents, like Thomas Edison and the telephone.

Berta: It's none of my business, but that's one kid who can't afford to miss a day of school.
Charlie: Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference.
(staple gun is heard)
Jake: Oh, crap, I stapled my fingers together!
Berta: You got a point.

You may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me.

Charlie: (about the jock strap) Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake: I'll make it fit, let's just go.
Charlie: No, no, put it on over your pants, we'll take a look.
Jake: (embarrassed) The heck you will!
Alan: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie: Of course I am. That's why I came!

Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, do you think I've been a good role model?
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!

Evelyn: So, Jake, how do you like high school?
Jake: I'm in eighth grade.
Evelyn: Ah. When do you start high school?
Jake: Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.

Displaying quotes 46 - 54 of 275 in total