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Two-and-a-half-men

Eldridge: It was nice of him to bring beer.
Jake: He's a crazy bastard, but he's got good manners.

Jake: I saw this video called "Topless Co-eds of the Big Ten" and I decided I had to go to college.
Alan: You expect me to pay $30,000-$40,000 a year so you can meet drunk girls who will lift their shirts?
Jake: Yes, please.

Jake: Uncle Charlie in there?
Berta: Yep.
Jake: Drunk?
Berta: Hammered.
Jake: You clean him out?
Berta: Would I do that to my little buddy?

Jake: I thought you had a date tonight?
Charlie: Not a date. A date experience.
Megan: What's the difference?
Charlie: About $1500.

Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.

Jake: Bing Crosby. Black guy with a sweater who used to have a TV show.
Eldridge: No dumb ass, that was Will Smith.

Eldritch: There's something wrong here, are you sending us to military school?
Alan: No, why would you think that?
Jake: I dunno, 16 years of bargain pizza from Costco and vanilla wafers for dessert?

Alan: Lindsey and I have decided to live together.
Jake: I dunno think Uncle Charlie's going to like that. He's never been real pleased you and I moved in.

Jake: What's that?
Charlie: A birthday present for Chelsea.
Jake: But I thought you guys broke up.
Charlie: Yeah well I bought it a couple months ago.
Jake: Why?
Charlie: Because I thought that's when her birthday was. Turns out I confused it with St. Patrick's Day.

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