Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Jake: Dad, please tell me I'm not done growing.
Alan: Knock yourself out.

Alan: Remember, at grandma's we have to pee while sitting down so you don't get splatter anywhere.
Jake: I'll manage and that's how you pee anyway.

Alan: I was singing.
Jake: You weren't singing.
Alan: Who are you, Simon Cowell?

Eldridge: It was nice of him to bring beer.
Jake: He's a crazy bastard, but he's got good manners.

Jake: I saw this video called "Topless Co-eds of the Big Ten" and I decided I had to go to college.
Alan: You expect me to pay $30,000-$40,000 a year so you can meet drunk girls who will lift their shirts?
Jake: Yes, please.

Jake: Uncle Charlie in there?
Berta: Yep.
Jake: Drunk?
Berta: Hammered.
Jake: You clean him out?
Berta: Would I do that to my little buddy?

Jake: I thought you had a date tonight?
Charlie: Not a date. A date experience.
Megan: What's the difference?
Charlie: About $1500.

Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.

Jake: Bing Crosby. Black guy with a sweater who used to have a TV show.
Eldridge: No dumb ass, that was Will Smith.

Eldritch: There's something wrong here, are you sending us to military school?
Alan: No, why would you think that?
Jake: I dunno, 16 years of bargain pizza from Costco and vanilla wafers for dessert?

Alan: Lindsey and I have decided to live together.
Jake: I dunno think Uncle Charlie's going to like that. He's never been real pleased you and I moved in.

Jake: What's that?
Charlie: A birthday present for Chelsea.
Jake: But I thought you guys broke up.
Charlie: Yeah well I bought it a couple months ago.
Jake: Why?
Charlie: Because I thought that's when her birthday was. Turns out I confused it with St. Patrick's Day.

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 275 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.