Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Walden: Your son makes one heck of a wingman.
Jake: You make it easy boss.

Alan: It wasn't a nut house, it was a stress clinic.
Jake: What's the difference?
Alan: About $2500 / week.

Jake: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.

Man they got my good bong.

We have to get rid of Walden. He's got to go.

I bet you shower every day.

Jake: Dad, please tell me I'm not done growing.
Alan: Knock yourself out.

Alan: Remember, at grandma's we have to pee while sitting down so you don't get splatter anywhere.
Jake: I'll manage and that's how you pee anyway.

Alan: I was singing.
Jake: You weren't singing.
Alan: Who are you, Simon Cowell?

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