Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Jake: I still don't understand why my mom had to break up with Greg.
Charlie: Well, it could have been worse. She could have married him and then broken up with him. When I was your age, I was already on my third stepfather, and I kind of liked the second one

Miss Pasternak [regarding Jake giving her the middle finger]: I was writing on the board and he thought I couldn't see him.
Alan: Is this true?
Jake: Yeah, I really thought she couldn't see me

Miss Pasternak: Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to three o'clock. After that I'm just a person like anybody else.
Jake: This is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall

Charlie: Okay, let me try this again. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure.
Jake: Are you sick??
Charlie: No, no, no, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just a procedure so that I don't have babies by accident.
Jake: Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
Charlie: Scout?
Alan: The dog we had. Couldn't keep it in his fur! Keep going, you're doing great.
Charlie: Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as it is with dogs.
Jake: I know... Why don't you just wear a condom?

Mandy: You are so cute!
Jake: I know.
Kathleen: You got a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Mandy: You don't ever want to get married?
Jake [repeating Charlie's quote]: No, as long as I've got somebody to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?!?!?
Jake: Yeah, I don't want to be giving anyone half my stuff
Alan: Okay, bye-bye

Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W

Charlie: Hey Jake, you wanna go to the bowling alley and play some air hockey today?
Jake: Sure, but you still owe me, like, $12,000 from last time.
Charlie: What are you gonna do, break my thumbs?
Jake: It wouldn't hurt your game

Charlie: Whoa, where are you going?
Jake: Looking for my Gameboy.
Charlie: Forget your Gameboy. It's a beautiful day. You can watch TV.
Jake: I don't want to watch TV. I want to play my Gameboy and it's in your room.
Charlie: Whew! When... The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is 1234

Jake [referring to his mom and Aunt]: Why are they fighting?
Alan: Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing.
Jake: I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.

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