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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: This is serious; you will never amount to anything, if you sleep all day.
Walden: Morning.
Jake: I am sorry; I was just distracted by the naked billionaire that just woke up.

Jake: Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.
Walden: Why would someone do that?
Jake: That my friend, is the million dollar question.

Eldridge: Hell yeah, she is hot.
Jake: It is not about how hot she is.
Walden: Well, thank you Jake.
Jake: It is about whether she stays hot.

Walden: Where is your Dad?
Jake: He is out with his mom.
Eldridge: They are picking up my grandma up at the International House of Old People.
Jake: IHOOP.

Jake: How old are you?
Jennifer: 24, and you?
Jake: Twenty-four and a half.

Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.

Walden: Your son makes one heck of a wingman.
Jake: You make it easy boss.

Alan: It wasn't a nut house, it was a stress clinic.
Jake: What's the difference?
Alan: About $2500 / week.

Jake: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.

Man they got my good bong.

We have to get rid of Walden. He's got to go.

I bet you shower every day.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 275 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

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