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Two-and-a-half-men

Jake: I cannot imagine being with anyone else.
Alan: I know that feeling, you fall head over heels, and then suddenly you find yourself in a loveless marriage with a soul-sucking shrew.
Jake: You realize you are talking about my mother?

Missy: You must be Jake; I am sleeping in your room.
Jake: Well, God Bless America.

Don't worry about me, worry about our nation's enemies.

Alan: This is serious; you will never amount to anything, if you sleep all day.
Walden: Morning.
Jake: I am sorry; I was just distracted by the naked billionaire that just woke up.

Jake: Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.
Walden: Why would someone do that?
Jake: That my friend, is the million dollar question.

Eldridge: Hell yeah, she is hot.
Jake: It is not about how hot she is.
Walden: Well, thank you Jake.
Jake: It is about whether she stays hot.

Walden: Where is your Dad?
Jake: He is out with his mom.
Eldridge: They are picking up my grandma up at the International House of Old People.
Jake: IHOOP.

Jake: How old are you?
Jennifer: 24, and you?
Jake: Twenty-four and a half.

Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.

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