Charlie: Okay, I'm leaving.
Jake: Bye.
Charlie: If you need anything, ask Berta.
Jake: Okay.
Charlie: She won't give it to you, but she enjoys being asked

Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?

Charlie: Just hide the money. Stick it into a shoe.
Jake: Right. What about if I wanna wear it?
Charlie: Then put it on another shoe.
Jake: But not of the same pair, right?
Charlie: Right

Jake: Can we watch the soccer game instead of basketball?
Charlie: What are you, nuts?
Jake: Sophie said soccer is the most popular game in the world.
Charlie: Well, then they don't need us to watch it.

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute. I thought I told you to get ready.
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done.
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better

Jake: You smell like strawberries.
Sophie: It's my lip gloss.
Jake: Does it taste like it smells?
Sophie: You wanna find out?
Jake: Sure!
[Sophie leans in to kiss Jake, Jake uses a finger to wipe her lip gloss off, then proceeds to eat it]
Jake: Mm

Alan: I need to talk to you in private.
Charlie: Oh, come on. I was in the middle of flossing and suddenly there she was, sitting on my bed..
Alan: Ah, ah. He doesn't need to hear this...
Jake: Like I didn't hear enough last night

Berta: What's going on?
Jake: I had to sleep in dad's room last night 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out...
Berta: Got it

Alan: All the other men are going to be wearing black tuxedos.
Jake: If all the other men were jumping off a bridge would you want me to do that too?
Alan: If it would keep your mother off my back, yes!

Jake: Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed is not my business, then what is?
Alan: Let it go, Goldilocks

Jake: And how many times do you have to get up to go pee?
Alan: I wasn't counting.
Jake: I was! Four.
Alan: Ok, one of those was to get a glass of water.
Jake: Well, that's your problem, stop topping off the tank

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to a wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.