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Evelyn: Jake, do you want Grandmommy to teach you how to use chopsticks?
Alan: Don't confuse him. He just learned how to use a fork.
Jake: Real funny, Alan.

Berta: (sees Alan using Jake's iPod) Who's he listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good—reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band's called Who.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: And I work for your family.

Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get Mom a present when you got divorced?
Alan: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you're too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.

Charlie: Okay, the reason why men say hot girl at, like, 12 o'clock or 3 o'clock, is to specify a location using the clock face as a kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you wear a digital watch. Second of all, it doesn't matter; the clock face is imaginary.
Jake: Then how do you know what time you saw the girl?
Charlie: Oh, my God!

Jake: (about Charlie) Why is he dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.

Jake: Do you play volleyball?
Linda: No, do you?
Jake: No, I just like to watch them jump up and down.

Alan: Berta, have you seen Charlie?
Berta: He's not in his bed?
Alan: No.
Berta: Passed out on the bathroom floor?
Alan: No.
Berta: Rubbing oil on the volleyball girls?
Jake: No.
Berta: Well, that just leaves the bars, hospitals, and jails. I'll go get the Yellow Pages.

Charlie: She looks like Rose!
Alan: It couldn't be, she's still in England, right?
Charlie: Last I heard.
Jake: I got a postcard from her the other day.
Charlie: Really, what did it say?
Jake: Uh, well, let's see. "Dear Jake, How are you? I'm fine. Hope you're doing well in school. Ha, ha." I think that's a joke 'cause she knows I struggle with my grades. Let's see, what else. Oh, yeah. "Say 'hello from England' for everybody." Hello, from England.

Charlie: Why do I keep thinking I see her?
Jake: Maybe you miss her.
Charlie: I don't think so. I was a little down when she left, which is to be expected, but I've got Linda now. I moved on. And what the hell am I doing talking to you about my personal life?
Jake: Cause I'm a good listener? Cause you have no other friends? Ha, ha.

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