Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

So, Japan, huh?
Jake? Yeah, the Big Apple.

Berta

Jake: I think pizza is the thing I am going to miss the most when I go to Japan.
Alan: Really, pizza?
Jake: Yeah, that and sushi.

Walden: So, Japan, huh? I am excited for you.
Jake: Yeah, my only worry is that they have not found Godzilla.

Jake: Hey, she hit me with the wall of respect.

Tammy: And you slept with my daughter.

Jake: So we will call it even?

If there was a freeloader's Hall of Fame, my dad will be living in it... for free.

Tammy: I do not want to be the cause of any estrangement between you and your father.
Jake: To be fair, my father was already "estrange" before you met him.

Alan: How did you meet this woman?
Jake: I play softball with her parole office

I am spending Christmas with Tammy Sue and her three children, and I get to play Santa and also their various fathers.

Jake: I am 18 and in the army, you can tell me what to do.
Alan: You are using the excuse that you are in the army not to go back to the army.

Displaying quotes 1 - 9 of 275 in total