Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
Try it Now for Free and Instantly Watch Two and a Half Men.

So, Japan, huh?
Jake? Yeah, the Big Apple.

Berta

Jake: I think pizza is the thing I am going to miss the most when I go to Japan.
Alan: Really, pizza?
Jake: Yeah, that and sushi.

Walden: So, Japan, huh? I am excited for you.
Jake: Yeah, my only worry is that they have not found Godzilla.

Jake: Hey, she hit me with the wall of respect.

Tammy: And you slept with my daughter.

Jake: So we will call it even?

If there was a freeloader's Hall of Fame, my dad will be living in it... for free.

Tammy: I do not want to be the cause of any estrangement between you and your father.
Jake: To be fair, my father was already "estrange" before you met him.

Alan: How did you meet this woman?
Jake: I play softball with her parole office

I am spending Christmas with Tammy Sue and her three children, and I get to play Santa and also their various fathers.

Jake: I am 18 and in the army, you can tell me what to do.
Alan: You are using the excuse that you are in the army not to go back to the army.

Jake: I cannot imagine being with anyone else.
Alan: I know that feeling, you fall head over heels, and then suddenly you find yourself in a loveless marriage with a soul-sucking shrew.
Jake: You realize you are talking about my mother?

Missy: You must be Jake; I am sleeping in your room.
Jake: Well, God Bless America.

Don't worry about me, worry about our nation's enemies.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 275 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

× Close Ad