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Nurse-jackie

Zoey: Hi.
Jackie: Please don't say hi every time you see me, okay? Once a week is plenty. In fact, if you go five days without saying hi, I will buy you a metro card.

Dr. O'Hara: Okay, hypothetical.
Jackie: Go.
Dr. O'Hara: Eddie and your husband decide to become friends.
Jackie: You know what...
Dr. O'Hara: Not finished. Eddie and your husband become friends and the Titanic is sinking and only one of them gets to survive. Which one?
Jackie: You know, you're really a very mean-spirited woman.

Jackie: I think Grace is starting to unravel a little bit. It's scaring the shit out of me.
Dr. O'Hara: If you need anything, and I mean anything, you'd better bloody tell me or I will kill you.
Jackie: Yes.
Dr. O'Hara: And then she'll be motherless. And then I'll have to take her.
Jackie: Oh God.

Zoey: I'm not sure that I can do this. I mean I... You and Mo-mo, you're all so good at what you do. And the doctors... Oh my God! They're healers. And this place is so amazing. I got into nursing because I wanna help people, and I'm afraid I'm just slowing you down.
Jackie: What's this about? Nobody ate your muffins? You found an ear in the toilet? So what? You know what this job is honey? This job is wading through a shit storm of people who come into this place on the very worst day of their lives. Just so you know, doctors are here to diagnose, not heal. We heal. All saints is in the business of flipping beds. That's it. End of story. The fact that you have even the slightest inclination to help people puts you miles ahead of 100 percent of the population. So stop crying, okay? Buck up. If you need to cry, go do it in the ladies' room. Is that clear?

Jackie: Okay, a quick hypothetical. What would happen to a student nurse if she got busted flushing a patient's body part down the toilet?
Dr. O'Hara: That's so sweet, trying to take my mind off things with your own naughty doings. Was it a penis?
Jackie: No, an ear. Don't ask.
Dr. O'Hara: And you blamed the new girl? Well done. Well, she's a student. She won't get fired. Anyway, if you want me for backup, you can always say I ordered her to flush it.

Mrs. Akalitus: I have no choice but to initiate an internal investigation.
Jackie: I resent what you're insinuating. Why on earth would my nursing student flush a man's ear down the toilet?
Zoey: But I'm the one who found it.
Mrs. Akalitus: And there are firemen who set their own fires just to call them in.
Jackie: You know, you're not wrong. My uncle Gary torched a hobby store. But that was an insurance thing. Anyway, I hope you get the bottom of this.

(voice-over) Watch and learn. Percocet should never be crushed, broken or chewed unless you want it to hit your system like a bolt of lightning. Which is only a problem if you're afraid of lightning which I am not.

I don't like chatty. I don't do chatty. I like quiet. Quiet and mean. Those are my people.

Make me good, God. But not yet.

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