Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of DUIs.

"Spot the hidden objects." Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.

Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.

Bart: Dad, what are you watching?
Homer: I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.

GPS: Switching to male voice, so you will obey.
Homer: Finally, a supervisor!

Like all childless couples they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.

Worry-wart Marge. You don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth.

What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.

When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.

Homer: Listen, I gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because, in a pinch, you could make candles from my fat.
Lloyd: Well, that is a big part of it.
Homer: It's okay. I know what I am.

Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.

If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.

The Simpsons Quotes

Lisa's Brain: Poor predictable Bart. Always takes 'rock'.
Bart's Brain: Good ol' 'rock'. Nuthin' beats that!
Bart: Rock!
Lisa: Paper.
Bart: D'oh!

Homer: You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV Sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now so I'll pretend you didn't say that!