Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of DUIs.

"Spot the hidden objects." Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.

Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.

Bart: Dad, what are you watching?
Homer: I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.

GPS: Switching to male voice, so you will obey.
Homer: Finally, a supervisor!

Like all childless couples they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.

Worry-wart Marge. You don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth.

What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.

When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.

Homer: Listen, I gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because, in a pinch, you could make candles from my fat.
Lloyd: Well, that is a big part of it.
Homer: It's okay. I know what I am.

Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.

If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.

The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Officer Eddie: (reading Steve Sax's license) Well well, Steve Sax, from New York City.
Officer Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
(Lou and Eddie laugh)
Steve Sax: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Officer Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?