Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX

(on the phone) You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week... I told you, my baby beat me up... Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

Marge: What kind of warped human being would find that funny?
Homer: Heh, heh.

You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.

I always knew you'd change the world... for the better.

(Homer and Marge visit the Statue of David exhibit)
Homer: Well, there he is. Michelangelo's Dave.
Marge: Hmm, David.
Homer: Oh.

(Homer watches TV)
TV Announcer: It's a tool that every home handy man needs. It's a jigsaw. It's a power drill. It's a wood-turning lathe. It's an asphalt spreader. It's 67 tools in one! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
Homer: (Very interested) One-thousand dollars!
TV Announcer: Oh, don't answer yet.
Homer: Oh, sorry.

Oh cruel Fate, why do you mock me?


(to Lance Murdoch) Think you got guts, try raising my kids!

(Scene cuts back and forth between Homer at Moe's and Bart at home, who are watching the same wrestling match on TV)
Milhouse: Hey, that's my seat.
Bart: Correction, was your seat.
(Cut to Moe's Tavern)
Barney: But I only got up to go the the can!
Homer: Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

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